We all have that one friend who is ridiculously prickly when it comes to movie spoilers. You know the type we’re talking about — the moment anyone brings up a movie they haven’t seen, they fly into an indignant, teeth-gnashing rage.
Even if the “spoiler” is insignificant to the plot, they’ll still relentlessly guilt-trip you and try to make you feel like a thoughtless monster. We think this behaviour needs to be stamped out. With extreme prejudice.
Drive-by picture from Shutterstock
Being a movie-spoiler assassin is a dangerous business. Get found out and you’ll likely be permanently ostracised from your friends and family, possibly culminating in a police shootout while wearing a silly wig (think Bruce Willis in The Jackal.)
In other words, you need to plan your ‘hit’ with careful anonymity. The trick is to strike from the shadows with ghastly precision and then fade away like smoke.
Start by finding out which upcoming movie the ‘target’ is most excited about. Drop subtle hints to get a feel for what he’s anticipating. When you have the intelligence you need, start trawling online movie forums for plot spoilers (most films are released in the US a few days prior to Australia, so this shouldn’t be too difficult.)
Once you have your spoilers of mass destruction, it’s time to take the target down. Here’s how it’s done:
- Set up an anonymous email account.
- Send your mate an email with an intriguing headline that doesn’t sound too spammy.
- UNLEASH THE SPOILER DOGS OF WAR!
Like the recipient of a letter bomb, his fate will be sealed the moment he peers inside. It’s imperative that you cause maximum carnage in the first sentence, which is as far as the target is likely to get. For example, if the movie was The Empire Strikes Back, you’d obviously start with “DARTH VADER IS LUKE’S FATHER!” It doesn’t matter if he refuses to read anything else — the damage has been done.
Naturally, it pays to send the email from an IP address that can’t be traced back to you. Congratulations; you are now a member of the spoiler hashishiyya. That’s your cue to start quaking in fear, fan-boys.
This post is part of our Evil Week series at Lifehacker, where we look at the dark side of getting things done. Knowing evil means knowing how to beat it, so you can use your sinister powers for good. Want more? Check out our evil week tag page.
See also: Discussion: When Should Kids Be Allowed To Watch R-Rated Movies? | What Ten Australian Films Would You Recommend To A Non-Local? | Is There Such A Thing As A Good Movie Remake? |How To Avoid Game Of Thrones Spoilers