Annoy Your Friends By Becoming A Movie-Spoiler Assassin

We all have that one friend who is ridiculously prickly when it comes to movie spoilers. You know the type we're talking about — the moment anyone brings up a movie they haven't seen, they fly into an indignant, teeth-gnashing rage.

Even if the "spoiler" is insignificant to the plot, they'll still relentlessly guilt-trip you and try to make you feel like a thoughtless monster. We think this behaviour needs to be stamped out. With extreme prejudice.

Drive-by picture from Shutterstock

Being a movie-spoiler assassin is a dangerous business. Get found out and you'll likely be permanently ostracised from your friends and family, possibly culminating in a police shootout while wearing a silly wig (think Bruce Willis in The Jackal.)

In other words, you need to plan your 'hit' with careful anonymity. The trick is to strike from the shadows with ghastly precision and then fade away like smoke.

Start by finding out which upcoming movie the 'target' is most excited about. Drop subtle hints to get a feel for what he's anticipating. When you have the intelligence you need, start trawling online movie forums for plot spoilers (most films are released in the US a few days prior to Australia, so this shouldn't be too difficult.)

Once you have your spoilers of mass destruction, it's time to take the target down. Here's how it's done:

  1. Set up an anonymous email account.
  2. Send your mate an email with an intriguing headline that doesn't sound too spammy.
  3. UNLEASH THE SPOILER DOGS OF WAR!

 

Like the recipient of a letter bomb, his fate will be sealed the moment he peers inside. It's imperative that you cause maximum carnage in the first sentence, which is as far as the target is likely to get. For example, if the movie was The Empire Strikes Back, you'd obviously start with "DARTH VADER IS LUKE'S FATHER!" It doesn't matter if he refuses to read anything else — the damage has been done.

Naturally, it pays to send the email from an IP address that can't be traced back to you. Congratulations; you are now a member of the spoiler hashishiyya. That's your cue to start quaking in fear, fan-boys.

This post is part of our Evil Week series at Lifehacker, where we look at the dark side of getting things done. Knowing evil means knowing how to beat it, so you can use your sinister powers for good. Want more? Check out our evil week tag page.

See also: Discussion: When Should Kids Be Allowed To Watch R-Rated Movies? | What Ten Australian Films Would You Recommend To A Non-Local? | Is There Such A Thing As A Good Movie Remake? |How To Avoid Game Of Thrones Spoilers


Comments

    anyone who does this, or promotes it as a 'funny' idea, is a dick.

    One of the best things about spoilers, it doesn't matter if you don't actually have to know anything about it, past or future. Fake spoilers work just as well - eg. Your friend says "I think Jon Snow is Rhaegar Targaryen's son", you say "Snow? He died on the Wall."

    See now THIS is an idea for evilweek.. Destroy all movies, not all vegetarians hah

    I'm sorry but I can't help seeing people who are that bothered by spoilers as being immature. I've even seen people (guys) stamp their feet and shout "YOU RUINED IT!!" *eyeroll*

      I agree mostly, but some movies it's definitely a requirement for.. Memento for example heh. Or Fight Club.

        This idea is just so backwards and twisted. He's totally crazy to have even brought it up.

        Last edited 30/10/13 10:56 pm

        I agree to an extent eg the sixth sense, but for the vast majority of movies it's just unnecessary

      If their reaction is immature, like the one you cited, I agree with you, but for someone to be labelled as immature because they do not like having something spoiled? I definitely disagree.

      It completely ruins the enjoyment of the show/movie/game if you know what is coming. Most writers and producers have spent much effort on carefully crafting a tale that keeps you engrossed and guessing, indeed much of the whole point of storytelling is the mystery of it. Which is why people generally dislike "predictable" films while many popular and enduring films are known for their twists and intrigue.

      I am sure you could not claim that you have never being annoyed by having something ruined by a spoiler, whether it is film or television or a sporting event that you were hoping to watch a replay of.

        People have told me the outcome of various things, but I still enjoy watching how it unfolds ie I just get over it.

        Also I would argue that it never "completely ruins" anything. If the outcome of the storyline is the *only* thing you enjoy about movies, then you have a bit of a shallow appreciation of them. For example, every Bond film ends with 007 getting the baddies, and yet there's a lot of kick-arse action in between the opening scene and the credits, not to mention cinematography, music, comedy etc

    though if it's imperative that you get the spoiler out in a quick succinct sentence, wouldn't it be better to put that as the subject of the email? I imagine putting something like "have you seen my girlfriend" will just look suspiciously like a phishing scam, particularly if it's from an unknown and anonymous emailer.

      which is why you make the subject "Congratulations, you're a LOTTO winner" or "FREE enlargement pills" or "Meet NEW singles in your local area" or "I'm a Nigerian Prince and need your help"

    I remember when the first BioShock came out, a week or so before it's release date I made an off handed remark on a forum something like "Hope the big twist isn't going to be that the person who helps you actually turns out to be the bad guy". I got ripped to shreds saying I had spoilt the game for them. Not much of a twist if it can be guessed before the game is even released.

    god, the write of this article must just be one intolerable dickwad if he wants to do this to his friends. and anyone else that thinks it might be funny for that matter. if someone dosnt want to know a thing about a certain movie just shut your fucking mouth, its really not that hard.

    the title should read "be an absolute fuckoff jerk by becoming a movie spoiler assassin"

    Last edited 31/10/13 9:27 am

      I'll admit I ripped into the 'talk in the cinema' article but I have to say it's hilarious seeing everyone lose their minds over evil week.

      IT'S EVIL WEEK!

      Perhaps it's my chaotic neutral inclination but I love trolling for teh lulz and Lifehacker is doing a great job. Trolling by teaching to troll. It's like metatrolling! All the lawful good butthurt in the comments this week is great!

      Last edited 31/10/13 10:01 am

        Probably just rename Evil Week to "How to be a dick" week.

        haha your completely right. i noticed some other "how to be an asswipe" articles today and realized what was going on.
        Touche Lifehacker, Touche.

    Oh yeah, that anonymous email address is such a sure thing. No one's going to work out who it is, ever. Well, not in the first five seconds.

    Real evildoers don't need to hide their identities.

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