Lovehacker: Is My Boyfriend Secretly Using My Sex Toys?

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Dear Lovehacker, I've been living with my boyfriend for over a year now. Everything had been great until these past few weeks. He's been distant and preoccupied, not answering my calls, taking hours to get back to me, coming home late, and so on. Last week after I worked the graveyard shift, I came home and found sex toys in the shower (dildos). He said he used it on himself...

Then, this morning I found my vibrator in his glove compartment of his car. It was in our bedroom previous to that. Once again, he said he used it on himself. I told him I'm not buying his story and he needs to come clean. He told me I need to get a grip, that my crazy thoughts need to stop, and I need professional help. That my insane way of thinking is driving him away and keeping me from believing the truth that he told me.

I don't think that I'm insane or crazy. I think any woman in her right mind would think what I am: That he is full of crap, and that he is messing with my head because he got caught. What is your advice? By the way, he will not let me go near his back door ever. Not even to tickle him so what am I supposed to think? Sincerely, What What in the Butt

Dear WWitB,

Keep in mind, I'm not a therapist or any other kind of health professional - just a guy who's willing to tell it like it is. With that said, let's get stuck into it.

You're totally right to ask him what's going on here. He's being distant and engaging in behaviour that is abnormal for your relationship. Still, you should probably be very careful about any accusations you throw his way. I know your initial reaction is that he's cheating on you or something to that effect, but keep in mind that many perfectly normal straight men are into the kind of stuff he's describing.

He might be cheating, yes, but he might not. He could just be into arse play and might be a little embarrassed about it, or just didn't want you to know. Maybe he thought you'd think he's less of a man. Or maybe, just maybe, this is something very new to him as well. He could be experimenting with arse play for the first time and wasn't ready to bring it into your bedroom yet.

If his story doesn't change, give him the benefit of the doubt, then tell him to put his money where his butt is. Offer to be a part of this experience with him, and avoid judging him. You might just learn something new about your partner and their preferences, making for better lovin' in the future.

I admit, this is not an ideal way to learn about that kind of stuff, but try to keep an open mind here. You're not alone in this experience (just read this example, and this one).

That said, the real issue here isn't your boyfriend sticking things in his back door - it's the fact that he's sticking your things in his back door and not telling you. This can be very unsanitary, especially if he's using your sex toys and not cleaning them after using them. To put it bluntly, you using a toy with his faecal matter on it is a one way ticket to UTI city.

If he's going to use your toys, he needs to tell you - and he needs to clean them when he's done, or use a condom. If he really is using your toys, you two absolutely must have a chat about this stuff.

Last but not least, the other very serious problem here is that he's gaslighting you into thinking you're some crazy person for asking him these legitimate questions. That is not cool! Not cool at all. You're not having "crazy thoughts", you don't need to "get a grip", and you are not in need of professional help just because you want to know why your personal sex toys are being used without your permission!

Whether he's using them or using them on someone else, you have the right to know what the deal is. This type of behaviour is the biggest red flag I see here. If that type of manipulative behaviour persists, I'd say it's time to find somebody who won't steal your dildos (or cheat on you if that's what's happening) and then make you feel bad about it.

Lovehacker is a weekly relationship and sex column where our resident Agony Aunt answers your questions. Need help? Drop a comment below or email [email protected].

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