Dear Lovehacker, I have been with my boyfriend for years and the sex isn’t very enjoyable. I can’t really orgasm from penetration alone — I usually have to touch myself or use a vibrator afterwards. The main problem is that my boyfriend doesn’t like going down on me. He’s happy for me to give him oral sex though. I’m really not sure what to do about this. Thanks, C.
I’m seeing a few red flags here that concern me.
It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is too bothered with any pleasure other than his own. You mention having to touch yourself or use a toy during and after sex, which is quite singular language. What role does he play in this? Does he leave you to take care of yourself?
Your experience is normal. Also, it should not just be on you to ensure that you have a fun and pleasurable time during sex. If your partner is only concerned with his own orgasm, I think a serious discussion is in order. That level of selfishness isn’t sustainable for a long lasting and happy relationship.
In regards to oral sex — has he said why he doesn’t like it? Could it be the taste or perhaps even a worry about ‘doing it right’? If he simply doesn’t enjoy it, that should be respected. But I’m concerned about the way the question has been framed, and how it might be pointing to a potential larger problem.
If it is just laziness or not really caring on his part, then that really isn’t on. Again, this should not be one sided and it’s really unfair if he thinks this is okay to have it all be about him.
You are not a masturbatory aid. Sex should be an experience between two people, not a race towards an orgasm for one of them.
I can’t help but wonder how giving he is outside of the bedroom. Is he a considerate boyfriend in general? If you live together, do you share the housework? Does he cook for you as much as you do for him? Does he do small things like ask if you would like a drink when he’s getting one for himself?
This is important because it indicates who he is as a person. If he is generally quite thoughtful and loving, that tells me that the bedroom issues aren’t necessarily indicative of larger problems. However, if he tends to be more selfish and take you for granted in your everyday lives, that’s something to be concerned about.
You deserve to be in an equal partnership and it’s something you’ll need to discuss with him if you both want to make it work. ‘Both’ is an imperative word here, because you also shouldn’t be the one putting in all the emotional labour. He needs to be just as committed as you.
Dear Lovehacker, My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years and we're really happy. But for the past six months or so she hasn't been orgasming very often during sex and only when I'm rubbing her clitoris. I know that changing up routines can be helpful for long term couples, but she's sexually very shy and only really interested in the missionary position. What should I do?Read more
Now to be fair, I only know what you have told me about your lives. There may be more to it than what I can pull out of a few sentences.
Getting back to your original query, there is a possibility that he doesn’t really know how to get you off. I know that sounds a little ridiculous, but there’s a reason why there are so many jokes about men not knowing where the clit or the G-Spot is.
The idea of trying and failing can be embarrassing. Between unrealistic porn (I’m a fan by the way, but there’s a lot of trash among the treasure out there) and lingering outdated expectations about what sex should be to men and women, some people just don’t really know what they’re doing.
That’s where communication is really necessary. Everyone likes different things. That’s why it’s important to break down these walls and tell our sexual partners what we’re into. It’s educational for everyone and opens up a healthy sexual dialogue — particularly between men and women.
There’s nothing wrong with guiding someone when it comes to what like. In fact, it can be really fun. It’s nice to discover what you each like together.
Perhaps encouraging him to explore a little more with you could do the trick. He may simply not know that you feel this way. However, if he’s not willing to at least try, it may be time for a serious chat.