As movie studios are want to remind us, internet piracy is a crime. If you’re going to commit this (vaguely) unlawful act, don’t compound the infraction by stealing a really crap movie. Here are ten films that absolutely nobody should seek to obtain — legally or otherwise.
Jack And Jill
It’s a double dose of everyone’s favourite irritating man-child! Adam Sandler plays twin siblings; one of whom is a — tee-hee! — woman! If you find the idea of Sandler shrieking shrilly in a dress amusing, we really don’t know what to say to you.
The worst thing to happen to the nosferatu genre since Varney the Vampire in 1845. If this is on your hard drive, put a stake through it.
Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones
We debated at length whether to include this or The Phantom Menace. In the end, George Lucas’ risible “romantic” dialogue trumped Jake Lloyd and Jar Jar combined. “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here…Here everything is soft and smooth.” Pass the barf bucket, please.
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
In the words of Kotaku editor Mark Serrels: “easily the most offensive movie ever made.” By all accounts, this film was at least a decade too late. It also committed the unforgivable sin of cramming Shia Labeouf down our throats. Nobody wants that.
AKA Ghostbusters without the engaging storyline, memorable characters or comedic talent. Sometimes, Jeff Bridges isn’t enough.
We once said this movie was kind of worth seeing for the native 4K visuals. You don’t get this at home, which means you’re left with the gaping plot holes, artificial-looking action and curious lack of human emotion. Also, sorry to be the bearer of bad news Will, but your son can’t act. At all.
Transformers: Age Of Extinction
This movie made over a billion dollars at the box office. That’s your cue to start sobbing quietly.
House Of The Dead
The infamous German “filmmaker” Uwe Boll is best known for a string of truly awful video game adaptations, beginning with House of the Dead in 2003. We probably could have filled this whole list with Uwe Boll’s filmography but this one remains the worst. During the third act, Boll appears to give up entirely and starts splicing in random footage from the actual video game. The results are more gruesome than a slow-mo zombie headshot (and not in a good way).
If you’re downloading this for the nudity and sex scenes, save yourself some time and head to a free porn site. If you’re downloading it for the plot and characters, you clearly hate cinema.
Toy Story 3
Actually, this one is ace. But Pixar totally deserves your money. Buy the DVD, you scroungers.
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