10 Movies So Bad, Downloading Them Would Be A Crime

As movie studios are want to remind us, internet piracy is a crime. If you're going to commit this (vaguely) unlawful act, don't compound the infraction by stealing a really crap movie. Here are ten films that absolutely nobody should seek to obtain -- legally or otherwise.

Jack And Jill

It's a double dose of everyone's favourite irritating man-child! Adam Sandler plays twin siblings; one of whom is a -- tee-hee! -- woman! If you find the idea of Sandler shrieking shrilly in a dress amusing, we really don't know what to say to you.

Twilight

The worst thing to happen to the nosferatu genre since Varney the Vampire in 1845. If this is on your hard drive, put a stake through it.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones

We debated at length whether to include this or The Phantom Menace. In the end, George Lucas' risible "romantic" dialogue trumped Jake Lloyd and Jar Jar combined. "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here...Here everything is soft and smooth." Pass the barf bucket, please.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

In the words of Kotaku editor Mark Serrels: "easily the most offensive movie ever made." By all accounts, this film was at least a decade too late. It also committed the unforgivable sin of cramming Shia Labeouf down our throats. Nobody wants that.

R.I.P.D

AKA Ghostbusters without the engaging storyline, memorable characters or comedic talent. Sometimes, Jeff Bridges isn't enough.

After Earth

We once said this movie was kind of worth seeing for the native 4K visuals. You don't get this at home, which means you're left with the gaping plot holes, artificial-looking action and curious lack of human emotion. Also, sorry to be the bearer of bad news Will, but your son can't act. At all.

Transformers: Age Of Extinction

This movie made over a billion dollars at the box office. That's your cue to start sobbing quietly.

House Of The Dead

The infamous German "filmmaker" Uwe Boll is best known for a string of truly awful video game adaptations, beginning with House of the Dead in 2003. We probably could have filled this whole list with Uwe Boll's filmography but this one remains the worst. During the third act, Boll appears to give up entirely and starts splicing in random footage from the actual video game. The results are more gruesome than a slow-mo zombie headshot (and not in a good way).

Showgirls

If you're downloading this for the nudity and sex scenes, save yourself some time and head to a free porn site. If you're downloading it for the plot and characters, you clearly hate cinema.

Toy Story 3

Actually, this one is ace. But Pixar totally deserves your money. Buy the DVD, you scroungers.

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Comments

    My mate keeps telling me to never ever watch Galaxy of Terror

      Actually not that bad considering the B movie nature. If you can get past the dated effects and clich├ęs it's a fun film.

    Star Wars III: Backstroke Of The West is definitely worth it though!

    Last edited 23/10/14 5:24 pm

    Where's Battlefield Earth?

      Battlefield Earth isn't a movie, it's a documentary. You're clearly not at a high enough Operating Thetan to understand.

    I know, I know. Shoot me and hang me high, but Attack of the Clones, Crystal Skull and R.I.P.D. weren't actually THAT bad. If you went in expecting escapism, you got it...

    If you ever come across the movie "The Divide", move right along... That's 2 hours of my life I won't get back.

      I thought The Divide was pretty good. Messed up though.

    What's that latest Australian movie with Cuba Gooding? That was the only movie I've walked out of at the movies... Never ever download it!

      Or Rebel Wilson or that other chick form the movie with the good/bad cop.

    I have both Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and R.I.P.D on optical media, I've watched them more than once and enjoyed them. My copy of Transformers: Age Of Extinction is on it's way, I enjoyed it on the big screen and will enjoy adding it to my Transformers movie collection. What can I say, I like what I like.

    Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones was better than the first one and had some really good action scenes, the third one was a lot better, though not good enough. The Horrible Agony of the Death of Jar Jar Binks, the 20 minute feature they should make before Episode VII, simulcast across the globe for FREE.

      Hi Serial_t,
      Not to be That Guy, but can you explain what you enjoyed about the last transformers movie.
      I try to keep an open mind, but I got really uncomfortable with the whole "underage sex with a 17 year old" thing. I found it extremely inappropriate when I took my 13 year old daughter to see this movie. This is a transformers movie, not underage porn.
      Check out this review of it, for those who hasn't seen this movie (you lucky bastards).
      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nikki-gloudeman/not-ok-michael-bay-transf_b_5549427.html

    There's a lot of missed opportunities here. Superman 3 comes to mind, as does Epic Movie.

    Epic Movie has the singular distinction that I paid for a DVD copy at one point, then stopped its playback partway through and haven't watched it since. To say that it's terrible gives it too much credit. You could probably find five movies from the same people which would be worse than the candidates listed here; they had a run of them on the back of their handful of successes.

    I quite liked RIPD when I saw it. The vibe is quite different from the comics, but in a "this is a movie, not a comic" sort of way.

      I have a weird relationship with Epic Movie. It's so bad that I feel it actually transcends its own badness. It's fascinating to watch due to how inept it is. It's a postmodern masterpiece by complete accident.

      That said, the chipmunk death metal scene gets me every time. I love that song.

    RIPD was silly fun and probably not worth downloading but wasn't too bad as cheap movie of the week at the Cinema. But the movie missing here is Promethius. A massive build up, a massive let down and one of the most badly constructed films I've ever seen. Nonsensical plot, terrible acting and a complete dishonouring of the universe it was supposedly set in.

    Missed but should have been included are:
    Scott Pilgrim Vs the world, Think like a man, Manhattan and Salo

    You're right: don't download Showgirls, watch highlights of the censored-for-TV version on YouTube instead! http://youtu.be/stWqOShaH6Y

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