Sex can, at times, be an awkward area for people. That’s normal, and nothing to be embarrassed about. If there are areas you’re curious about but haven’t ever felt brave enough to try – sex toys for example – it can feel daunting at first.
But fear less, folks. Because here at Lifehacker, we want to clue you up with all the tools you need to learn about new areas in a safe and comfortable setting.
Today, I want to chat about dirty talk. Of all the sex topic areas, this can be one of the most intimidating for people because well, you’re using your words.
So, to offer a bit of a soft landing for people diving into this area for the first time I sought out the expertise of Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist, Christine Rafe of Good Vibes Clinic.
Here are her tips on mastering dirty talk.
It doesn’t need to be reserved for the bedroom:
Rafe explained to me that you can experiment using dirty talk in all kinds of settings. It doesn’t need to be when you’re in the bedroom, and it also doesn’t need to be reserved for when you’re in the middle of a sexual encounter.
“Dirty talk is not just for when you’re in the act, you can dirty talk – whether in person or not – at any time [with consent]. Dirty talk that happens long before and long after a sexual encounter helps to fuel the desire for future encounters with that person,” she said.
Make your dirty talk personal:
One of the easiest ways to explore dirty talk, Rafe shared, is by expressing what you like. It’s a great way to build up communication around sex, and it’s also going to sound pretty damn hot.
“Dirty talk is even sexier if it’s about something that you actually know about your own body or experience,” she said.
“Knowing about your own pleasure and arousal, and then verbalising this to your sexual partner will increase your enjoyment and educate them on your unique sexual pleasure.”
Examples like “I love it when” or “it makes me feel X when you Y” are good jumping-off points.
Practise makes perfect – yes, even with dirty talk:
The only way to get better at something is by practising, people. Rafe told me:
“As with any assertive sexual communication, I always encourage my clients to identify things they would like to say, and practice saying them alone – or with a trusted friend or therapist – outside of the moment.
“Talking dirty, particularly for beginners, can feel awkward and clunky because we are not socialised in a world where expressing our sexual desires is learnt or encouraged. By practising, we can desensitise ourselves to any deep-seated shame, embarrassment or awkwardness we associate with the words or actions by repeating the phrase 10 (or more) times. Get comfortable saying things on your own first, and it will come across even more natural in the moment.”
Finally, don’t do anything you’re not into:
Just because you’re experimenting sexually doesn’t mean you need to feel uncomfortable. Remember, you’re there to have a good time.
On this, Rafe stressed that mutual respect has to be present at all times.
“You may have a sexual partner who really wants you to dirty talk as they enjoy it,” she said.
“That’s great, but if you really don’t feel comfortable doing it, and you don’t have an interest in exploring it, kindly express this to the sexual partner. We do not need to be interested in the same things as those we are currently sleeping with. If you don’t feel comfortable but you want to try, use the other tips I’ve mentioned to develop your own dirty language, then put them into practice and see how you go!”
In the end, with any sexual exploration, the name of the game is your enjoyment. So, keep these tips in mind and see how they work for you. Happy chatting!