How To Talk Dirty For The First Time

Talking dirty is hot in and of itself, and it's also great for your sex life. It helps you stay more present in the moment, and more tuned in to what you're experiencing. It helps you develop more sexual self-confidence. It helps your partner learn what you like, and lowers their performance anxiety. It's also a low-stress way to play with fantasies. Here's how to talk dirty for beginners.

Art by Jim Cooke/GMG

Get Comfortable

Many people have never tried talking dirty before, and feel anxious about how to get started. Sex is still a taboo topic, so the idea of talking about it out loud, in front of another person, can seem overwhelming. If you're brand new to dirty talk, you can first check out a past article I wrote about getting comfortable talking about sex. The article walks you through figuring out which words feel easier to use than others, and how to string together some basic sentences. Another tip is to start with breathing more heavily and moaning first, then work your way up to being verbal.

Do This Tonight: Mutual Masturbation

In case the title isn't clear, mutual masturbation is when you and your partner masturbate in front of each other. I think it's one of the most underrated sexual acts; very few people do it, but it can be one of the most erotic experiences you'll ever have.

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Initiate

A lot of people get nervous about initiating dirty talk if they have never done it before. But it doesn't need to be that complicated. You can start with saying really simple phrases such as, "That feels so good." My favourite recommendation is to do a post-sex recap session. After you and your partner have just wrapped up, talk to your partner about how that particular session went. Tell them the details of what you really enjoyed. You already know what happened, so you're just sharing your experience, not coming up with something new. If you're brand-new to talking dirty, you can start super-simple and just say, "That was great," or "I'm speechless." Once you feel more comfortable, try more detailed things such as, "That position we tried was hitting some really good angles for me."

Consider Different Communication Options

If talking dirty in person feels too intimidating at first, you can always get started via text or email. Communicating in writing tends to be easier, since you have more time to think about what to say, and you don't have to be face-to-face when you deliver your dirty talk.

What to Say

There are a lot of different things you can communicate with dirty talk. Here are some examples:

Share what you're feeling in the moment

One of the easiest ways to talk dirty is to simply describe what you're feeling in the moment. There's no need to think about anything detailed or complex. Just share what's going on for you.

Examples:

"You feel so big inside of me."

"That feels so good I can hardly stand it."

Give feedback

People tend to get nervous about feedback because they think they need to be giving directions. But feedback is another way of sharing what you're feeling in the moment. It's just a bit more direct.

Examples:

"A little to the left."

"Harder."

"Don't stop."

Ask for something that you want

You can also be more direct, and ask specifically for something that you want or want to try.

Examples:

"Hold my hands over my head."

"Take your clothes off."

Give compliments

Another simple form of dirty talk is to compliment your partner.

Examples:

"I can't stop staring at your arse."

"You turn me on so much."

Reminisce

This is another great type of dirty talk for beginners. You can ease your way into talking dirty by discussing memories of great times you've already shared.

Examples:

"Remember that time we… ?"

"Remember when we were in [fill in the blank]...?"

Talk about fantasies

Dirty talk is a great way to test drive fantasies before actually trying them in real life. Many couples find that just talking dirty about a fantasy is thrilling enough. (If there's a fantasy you'd like to talk dirty about, but you're positive you don't want to do it in real life, make sure to give your partner a heads-up about that.)

Examples:

"I'm thinking about watching you go down on another woman."

"What do you think it would be like if I tied you up and made you my slave?"

"That scene from the movie earlier was so hot. I can't get it out of my head."

Roleplay

You can use dirty talk to try on a different persona. Maybe you want to be bossier, or more submissive. You can also use words or language that you wouldn't normally use. It can be really hot to use "taboo" words such as "slut", especially if you wouldn't use that kind of language outside of the bedroom. (Keep in mind that you can talk dirty in the bedroom and still be a sex-positive feminist. Consciously choosing to use or allow your partner to use certain language is different from having that language thrust upon you.)

Examples:

"Call me your slut."

Tease

You can use dirty talk to taunt your partner.

Examples:

"I have a surprise in store for you tonight."

"I'm going to make you beg for it."

"I'm touching myself right now." (This is good to send as a sext, when your partner isn't there.)

Share your status

A more utilitarian usage of dirty talk is to let your partner know your orgasmic status. If you're not going to have an orgasm with your partner, you can let them know when you're ready for them to stop.

Examples:

"I'm getting close."

"Don't stop doing that. I'm about to come."

"That feels so good, I can't take it any more. I have to have you inside of me."

If You Get Stuck

I think it's a good idea to have a few basic phrases in your back pocket to fall back on if you can't think of anything to say. There's nothing worse than being completely silent in the moment when your partner is talking dirty to you! Keep it simple with things such as "That feels so good," "Tell me more," or "What you want to do to me?"

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