This Cake Has A Terrible Secret

I am not the hugest fan of food-based practical jokes. Feeding people things without their consent is not cute or funny, but pulling the ol’ bait and switch can be amusing (to you) as long as it occurs before anyone has ingested anything against their will.

This is a very roundabout way of saying I am obsessed with this long egg cake, and I think it should be covered with frosting, then deployed for purposes of retaliation. The joke is not that someone accidentally eats egg—things won’t get that far. The joke is that someone thinks they are getting a slice of cake and, once the cake is cut into, they are greeted with the sight of hardboiled egg. Rough stuff.

The official Instant Pot Facebook group continues to be one of the darkest corners of the internet. pic.twitter.com/3lPlPWXEDs

— Marshall Bright (@itsmarshallb) September 19, 2019

Who would deserve such? What crimes must someone commit where the act of giving them an creepy loaf of egg—disguised as a cake—is warranted? That’s not for me to say. Maybe it’s your last day of work at a truly terrible place, and you wish to communicate your displeasure with your bosses. Maybe your roommate will not stop stealing your food (including actual cakes). I’m not an ethics professor, so it’s hard for me to say exactly what would call for this deep and disturbing frosting-coated betrayal. All I can do is tell you how to make it. You will need:

• At least 12 eggs (That will be enough for a 20cm round cake pan, but you will need more for a bundt.)

• Nonstick cooking spray

• A pan

• A pressure cooker

• Frosting (or a lot of mayo)

Coat the pan with cooking spray and carefully crack your eggs into the pan. Add one cup of water to your pressure cooker insert, place the trivet inside, then place your egg-filled cake pan on the trivet. Close the pressure cooker and make sure the valve is set to “sealing” or an equivalent setting. Cook the monstrosity under high pressure for six minutes, keeping in mind you may need to add a couple more minutes if you are using more than a dozen eggs. Once the loaf is done cooking, release the pressure manually, remove the egg cake from the pressure cooker, and let it cool completely.

Invert it onto a pretty cake stand, then frost. Will this be hard? Yes, eggs are slippery, but through brute force and righteous anger, I think you can make it work. You can lightly rough up the surface of the loaf with some fine sand paper if needed. Once frosted, you can add some edible flowers, sprinkles, whatever—anything to make it look more enticing. Present your cake to those who have wronged you (or your family), then fade into the night, or just skedaddle real quick like.

It’s Evil Week at Lifehacker, which means we’re looking into less-than-seemly methods for getting shit done. We like to think we’re shedding light on these tactics as a way to help you do the opposite, but if you are, in fact, evil, you might find this week unironically helpful. That’s up to you.