Anatomically, all orgasms come from the same place even if some feel different than others. An orgasm is simply our body releasing blood back into the bloodstream after it’s been pumped to pressure point to an aroused area and there is only one physical type for both men and women – no matter how much we try to pretend there are more.
But while the process might always be the same, the feeling registered in the brain isn’t.
Whether you got to that point through oral sex, vaginal sex, anal play, using a vibrator or eating your avocado on toast while standing on your head, the mechanics are the same. With that said, some orgasms are weak pathetic little pulses while others strong and mighty.
What makes the difference?
Emotion, erotic desire, experimentation, skill, timing, patience, chemistry, love – the list goes on and on. Here are some tips for turning up the intensity on both of your orgasms.
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Yes, we all know the joke says simply handing him a beer and taking off your clothes will get a result.
But we’re after a gobsmacker of an orgasm here, so start with the beer and nakedness and add a whispered promise that he doesn’t have to do anything, just take.
He’s transported to a magical place already.
Ask him to masturbate while you watch: Especially watch where he first places his hand at the start – that’s exactly where you place yours when you take over the hand-job. (It sounds unimportant but it’s the key to accurately mimicking the motion).
Now pay attention to how firm and hard his grip is: If he’s practically strangling the thing without once wincing, your best bet to deliver an earth-shattering O probably isn’t through intercourse.
Kegel all you like but unless your day job is shooting out ping pong balls in a Thai sex bar, it’s still unlikely your vagina will rival the grip of a tightly closed fist that’s yanking fiercely.
Do him in reverse: Start with intercourse – jump on top and let him penetrate for a few, short, exquisite minutes while you pump your pelvis muscles around him – then jump off and finish him off, using your hand (gripping hard) and mouth together.
If his grip wasn’t too hard, fellate him first. Then jump on top to let him penetrate. Don’t bounce up and down, instead rock back and forth, rubbing your clitoris against his pelvis.
Find out his secret thing: Most guys have one particular ‘added extra’ which really does it for them. It might be ball play, a finger inserted up his bottom just before orgasm, pressing hard on the perineum, tweaking or biting a nipple, hearing you talk dirty, watching porn, being tied up….
If he won’t come right out and tell you, try the lot (perhaps not all in one go) and see which he most responds to.
As well as finding out his favourite, you’ll add a few others to his list.
The longer the buildup… …the better the orgasm for both sexes so tease mercilessly and don’t forget to moan when he finally does climax to show it’s almost as much of a turn-on watching him get there, than it is you. Award yourself a huge, shiny gold star if you can make yourself orgasm at the same time as you’re letting him take, take, take (guilt-free) simply by humping his leg.
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If passing you a beer and getting naked whets your whistle, what does it for her?
Try turning up with a champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries combo (or even plain old ordinary ones if you’ve left it to the last minute). It reminds us of the scene in Pretty Woman and adds a dash of sophistication even if you are still wearing your rugby gear.
It’s more a spontaneous thing? All she needs is your full attention so you can…
Sexually adore her: Your theme word for the beginning bit is ‘sexual adoration’. Nothing turns us on more than our bodies being admired – with your eyes, with trailing fingertips, your touches becoming less gentle and restrained when you finally get your hands on the top half goodies. Nothing is sexier than watching someone’s eyes change as lust rudely elbows desire out of the way – let her see this. You love watching us lose control, we love seeing you do it.
Get her naked, stay dressed yourself: Kiss and lick through her underwear – don’t just rip it off, tease through it, push it to one side, play. Before removing her bra, kiss her neck and then grab a handful of her hair and pull it, just a little, make eye contact then deliver a good, deep long kiss.
Moving on down: Massage her breasts, kiss her neck then move south, pooling saliva in your mouth as you go, so her first lick on her vulva will be soft, gentle and slippery. Smell her, moan, then move into the ‘swish and lick’: swish a relaxed, wide, thick tongue across the clitoris, then lick slowly up the middle of the vulva (again, keep your tongue relaxed rather than pointed and rigid). Meanwhile, push one finger inside her, then two.
Turn her over: If she’s really, really moaning, turn her over on her tummy and pushing your hand through her legs, keep gently rubbing her clitoris (stop to add lube if she’s dry) and lick around her anus. Just as you have your ‘thing’, she has hers and this just might be rimming. If she pushes her bottom up to you, do it. If she pulls away, simply stroke her bottom while you’re playing with her clitoris, kiss her neck and then turn her over again.
Put her fingers in your mouth: Lick them, then push them down so she’s touching herself. See if she takes the hint and starts masturbating so you can see a specific style she likes.
If she’s lusty: You should have an idea by now which she’s more into – a slightly rougher lusty style of sex or the soft, gentle sort. Choose an intercourse position accordingly. Take her from behind if she seems to crave an animal approach, making sure you’re paying lots of attention with your hands to her breasts, massaging them and pulling at her nipples. When her breathing becomes ragged, add some lube (strategically placed beforehand) and use your fingers to slide up and down between her labia, grazing her clitoris while you continue to thrust.
Sometimes she’ll push your hand away and do it herself – let her. If she doesn’t, just be careful not to go too hard as your orgasm approaches.
If she’s into romantic sex: If this all seems a bit too racy for your girl, instead opt for a sexy spoon position, penetrating from behind (get her to lift her bottom high to allow it). It’s intimate because there’s full body contact but your hands are free to stroke her breasts, her tummy and (of course) deliver the much needed clitoral action.
Kiss her neck and tell her how much you love being inside her.
Stop! It’s not over yet!: Stop before you’re too close to coming, withdraw, and go back to licking her. Keep licking until she orgasms, then when she’s at the tail end of her orgasm (wait at least 15 seconds), pull back and quickly penetrate again, hopefully pushing her over into a second or extended series of contractions.
Then, and only then, can you let go.
Tracey Cox is one of the world’s foremost writers on sex and relationships. She has written several bestsellers, including Hot Sex: How to Do It and supersex, and has her own product range in partnership with Lovehoney.