“Oooh, how bout my sperm meet your eggs tonight?” asked no man ever.
Illustration by Jim Cooke/GMG
“I’m feeling fertile, honey, would you like to implant your seed in me?” no woman should ever say, no matter how much she wants a baby.
What makes sex sexy?
A) Anonymous sex
B) Spontaneous sex
C) Silent sex
D) Sex for no reason whatsoever
If you chose A, B, C or D, you win the prize! Unfortunately, if you’re trying to have a baby, you might have to think about this question:
What makes sex unsexy?
A) Timing your sex to your ovulation
B) Talking about your ovulation
C) Thinking about your ovulation during sex
D) Lifting your legs after sex to increase implantation chances
Let’s be honest: Once sex — that hitherto fun activity — becomes all about baby-making, it kind of takes the fun out of it.
But it doesn’t have to. If you’re a woman[1], here’s how to make sex sexier when you’re trying to conceive.
Keep the Science Out of the Bedroom
Yes, you may be charting your temperature each morning, and peeing on a stick to see if you may be ovulating (although if you can understand how it works, kudos to you), but do you need to talk about it in the bedroom?
Just like you wouldn’t talk about what you’re making for dinner or the office politics on the pillow, leave vaginal mucous viscosity where it belongs: In the bathroom.
Keep It to Yourself
Yes, maybe this sounds totally sexist, but as someone who was trying for years to have a baby, I regret sharing every thought, chart and feeling with my husband. It took the mystery out of everything (but that’s marriage, isn’t it?). I wish I could’ve compared notes with a female friend or another woman trying to have a baby. On the other hand, every partnership is different. I have some friends whose husbands were in charge of everything, even sex on ovulation days. (But they still didn’t talk about it in the bedroom).
Let Science Do Its Job
If you’ve already moved on to fertility treatments — IUIs or IVF — your sex is now actually not for conception purposes. Chances are you can only have sex when you’re not anywhere near your conception window. So have at it! It’s only for practice.
Schedule Baby-Making Discussions
However involved your partner is in trying to conceive, you can schedule a time — once a week, once a menstruation cycle — to talk about it. It has a way of taking over your every thought, your every mental moment, so putting it aside for a specified time may help you compartmentalise.
Keep Your Mind Sexy
That being said, for many people, sexiness is all in the mind. How can you clear your head for a special night (or morning, as I prefer)? Meditate. Focus on the pleasure. Focus on your partner. Focus on your fantasy partner (the Ryans, anyone?). Focus.
Cut Yourself Some Slack
Look, this is a hard time. When you just want to be one of those couples who are like, “Whoops, we weren’t even trying or thinking about a family yet and now we’re pregnant!” it’s hard to stay upbeat, positive, non-neurotic, non-obsessed with your cycle and what’s going on in your body. Or your partner’s body. So give yourself some space and realise that sex won’t be as magical as it was when you were trying not to have a baby. That’s life. Do it anyway.
Find the Silver Lining
I will not lie to you: There aren’t many benefits to not getting pregnant when you want to be. But there are some temporary things you can enjoy:
a) A quiet house for uninterrupted, unscheduled sex
b) A taut body untainted by childbirth
c) Long nights of sleep
Um… that’s it. No, seriously. The only good thing — and by good, I mean “Lessons Learned in Life from Tough Situations I Wish I didn’t Have to Endure” — is that when you finally do have that baby or two or three and they’re screaming and the house is a mess and you’re tired and have no time, you’ll be a pro… at making sex sexy.
[1] If you’re a man, you are usually great at compartmentalising and don’t need tips how to make sex sexy except by having it.
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