Who’s the most important person on the plane? You, of course. Make sure everyone else knows it with these sky-high douchebag tips.
Smug picture from Shutterstock
10. Be the last person to board the flight
Your time matters. No-one else’s does. Don’t even start heading towards the assigned gate until your name is being called over an airport loudspeaker, ideally more than once. Airport picture from Shutterstock
9. Come on board with multiple oversize bags . . .
Those official baggage limits and fees? They clearly don’t apply to you. You don’t have time to be collecting stuff at the other end of the flight, so it’s only reasonable for you to take three bags on board, and then refuse to put any under the seat in front of you. Baggage picture from Shutterstock
8. . . . and then complain when they can’t be placed near you
Unfortunately, sometimes this tactic doesn’t work so well, and the crew have to rearrange every piece of luggage on board to make yours fit. Be sure to complain loudly and repeatedly if this doesn’t result in all your bags being within easy reach.
7. Don’t sit in the seat assigned to you
Didn’t get that window seat you wanted? Take it anyway, and when the assigned passenger boards, explain that you were confused and it would be a lot of effort to move and surely it would be OK if the other guy just took that middle seat at the back of the plane, right? For bonus points, after scoring a window seat, go to the toilet every 30 minutes. Picture: Gabriel Saldana
6. Hog all the air vents
Any flight with in-ceiling air vents means you have one, two or three jets of air to keep yourself cool with. Get in early and aim them all towards your seat. Conversely, if you’re chilly, don’t hesitate to disable every vent within reach without asking. Picture: sbamueller
5. That vacant seat next to you is yours, not the other guy
If you’re lucky enough to have a vacant seat between you and another passenger, stake your claim on it early by covering it with as much junk as possible. Asking for permission first? That’s for losers.
4. Recline your seat for the entire flight
Recline your seat fully as soon as possible just after take-off, and just before landing. It’s there to give you as much space and the most comfortable sleeping position, so why not use it? You paid a lot for a ticket, so use every function of your seat available to you for the longest possible time. When the cabin crew ask you to raise your seat during meals, simply ignore them. Picture: BJ Carter
3. Travel with a child and let them kick the seat in front
If the passenger in front complains, argue loudly and disrupt the entire cabin. Why can’t kids just be kids? Child picture from Shutterstock
2. Listen to your music at ear-splitting volume
Isn’t it great that we can now use our electronic devices from gate to gate? Why not celebrate by listening to obnoxious music as loudly as possible? The more repetitive and bass-heavy, the better. Share the love! Picture: Tim RT
1. Fart continuously
Airline picture from Shutterstock
Lifehacker Australia editor Angus Kidman encounters all these examples of bad behaviour in the air far too often. His Road Worrier column, looking at technology and organising tips for travellers, appears each week on Lifehacker.
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