5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Having a Threesome

Threesomes are largely seen as a way to spice up a lagging, monogamous relationship, but sometimes they’re just a fun activity for a group of horny people and not a sign of the relationship’s impending doom. Like so many other sex acts, though, they don’t (usually) play out like they’re shown on Pornhub. That is to say, it’s unlikely a hottie is going to approach you and your partner at the gym or bar and say they simply have to have you both right now. Threesomes are exciting, but they still typically require planning and self-reflection beforehand. Ask yourself these questions before pursuing one.

Why do you want to have a threesome?

It’s important to understand your motivations here. Are you genuinely interested in trying a new experience or are you feeling pressure from your partner? Do you want to experience this with your partner or are you just looking for a way to have sex with someone else? You should fully examine your reasoning, as having a threesome can open up a myriad of other issues if you aren’t absolutely sure you’re into it.

According to Dr. Gavin Ryan Shafron, a licensed clinical psychologist and couples’ counselor at Clarity Therapy NYC, it’s “worth exploring whether the desire to engage in a threesome is truly mutual, is mainly for your partner, or primarily for yourself. If it isn’t a truly mutual decision, and the desire is more one-sided, it could lead to some very complicated feelings.”

If you’re not 100% about it, you may not be ready for any fallout. Your intention should be based solely on your desires and comforts, not on any other external forces or expectations.

What do you want to get out of the experience?

If you decide you want to have a threesome because of your own wants and needs, the natural next step is to consider what those wants are—and ideally get more specific than “have sex with two people.” Identifying what you want to get out of it will help you approach the threesome the right way. Do you see the threesome as an opportunity for you and a partner to explore your relationship and open it up to others? Are you looking for deep connection or straight-up physical gratification? What kind of threesome do you want? Do you want to be serviced by two people or act in more of a submissive role, servicing them? Do you want to do FMF (female/male/female), MMF (male/male/female), or something more fluid? Do you want to make a lasting connection with the other two participants and turn it into an ongoing thing, or do you want this to be a one-and-done experience? Do you have a specific fantasy you want to act out or is your fantasy more rooted in just going with the flow in the moment? Do you want to see your partner fulfill a fantasy or enjoy themselves, are you excited by the prospect of satisfying a third person, or is your goal just to be satisfied yourself?

It might feel unsexy to script it all out like this, but doing so decreases your chances of being disappointed and will also help you have conversations with your bedmates so you can find ways to make sure you’re all getting what you want. You may think it’ll be intuitive when it happens, but think about how strange even the logistics will be when you’re faced with it. Whose face goes where? Whose arm is that? It’s better to have a plan.

What are your boundaries?

“Setting boundaries that include the ability to be able to stop or pause any behaviors that feel uncomfortable, or are bringing up challenging feelings can be extremely important to maintaining safety within the act and within the relationship,” Shafron said. “After[wards], it is important to take stock of how the two of you both feel. Check in with each other. What worked? What didn’t?” He also points out that feelings can change and what was exciting in the moment can bring up uncomfortable feelings later—which is normal and something you should be prepared for.

Establishing clear boundaries is integral in any sexual encounter. Discuss your boundaries with potential partners and be sure everyone is on the same page. Threesomes are a shared experience and can have the power to bring a couple closer if everyone is open and honest about what they want and don’t want. The clearer you are, the better this will be; don’t leave things vague, as that could leave space for you or your partners to feel hurt. While that may sound like a hard conversation, it’s a lot easier than having to piece together where everyone’s at post-sex if there was zero communication in the first place.

Some boundaries to consider are how much you want your partner to do with the other person, whether you want a sleepover afterward or to go your separate ways, and what you don’t want them to do to you.

How solid is your relationship?

Shafron says that for people with good communication who are open about their histories and boundaries, threesomes and moresomes “aren’t inherently bad.”

He adds, “That being said, it does open up more possibilities when the choice to bring others into the bedroom doesn’t lean on a firmly established foundation within one’s relationship. Regardless of the stage of one’s relationship, it’s not a decision to be made lightly.”

Jealousy can be a natural emotion that comes up during a threesome. It’s important to consider how that may or may not affect your relationship. Are you prepared for any feelings of resentment that could arise from it? It’s not uncommon for feelings of comparison to come up with other partners and that could cause feelings of inadequacy or relationship insecurity. Depending on how solid you and your partner are, these feelings could be talked through and ultimately make your relationship stronger if approached correctly—but it’s better to go into this solidly than use it to enhance your foundation after the fact.

Do you have an exit strategy?

It’s essential to plan for the possibility that a threesome might not go as expected or that someone involved may want to stop at any point. Discuss an exit strategy with your partners and establish a safe word or signal to indicate when someone is uncomfortable and wants to halt the experience, as well as what that looks like. Communicate in the moment, too. If you want a break but don’t necessarily want the person to get dressed and dip, say that. If you do want them to leave, say that, too.

A threesome can be a thrilling experience when prepared for properly. That being said, there is no perfect way to have a threesome. What helps is knowing your wants and needs and being able to communicate and negotiate them with others involved. Every person’s and couple’s experience is unique, so all three of you need to communicate before, during, and after the encounter.

Lead Image Credit: Warner Bros.