How to Be a Supportive Friend to Someone Who Is Grieving

When a friend or loved one is grieving or going through a rough time, it can be hard to know how to help them or what the best thing to say is. Lucky for us, places like Lifeline Australia have great resources for us to use when we need to support a friend in authentic and sincere ways.

The last thing you want to do when you’re trying to support a grieving friend or someone going through a rough patch is to make them feel worse. As most of us aren’t trained mental health professionals, finding the perfect thing to comfort someone is tricky.

Lifehacker Australia had the privilege of chatting with Irene Gallagher, Head of Crisis Services, Knowledge and Quality at Lifeline Australia about small things you can do and say to support a grieving friend or someone that’s going through a tough time.

Small things to do and say to support someone going through a difficult time?

You don’t need to make big and bold gestures to support a friend who is having a rough go of it.

In fact, according to Gallagher, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do for someone is to just let them know that you’re there for them.

“Try to create time to have a conversation with them. That might mean suggesting a walk or other activity that gives you the time to talk, without distractions,” Gallagher said.

“Let them know you care about them and want to help or simply listen.”

It’s human nature for us to try to relate to our friends and their experiences. Especially when we are trying to support a grieving friend.

Gallagher thinks that opening up about your own experiences might actually ‘give permission’ to someone who is grieving or struggling to share what they’re feeling.

In doing so, however, it’s important to not try and be forceful about relating. Nothing is worse than having a friend undermine what you’re going through and just go off on a tangent about themselves.

Instead, Gallagher suggests asking open questions like ‘how are you feeling?’ or ‘what’s going on for you at the moment?’

“Being vulnerable can be hard, but it’s easier if you’re both in the same boat,” Gallagher said.

Sometimes in our attempt to support grieving friends, we can be quick to jump to solutions and try to fix the world. But it can be more helpful to people if you ask what they need from you.

Gallagher said you can do so by asking something along the lines of ‘would you like me to just listen right now, or would you like help thinking about what you might do from here?’

The most important part of supporting a grieving friend? Remember that they might not want to talk.

While it can be disheartening if your attempts to help are rejected, Gallagher said that you can still gently let them know that you’re there if they do eventually want to talk.

What to avoid saying to a grieving friend

Just as it’s useful to know how to support a grieving friend, it’s equally as useful to know what not to say.

Gallagher told us that it’s really important to resist the urge to find the silver lining in their situation or try to minimise the person’s concerns.

“Instead, try validating their experience by saying things like ‘it sounds like you are going through a really tough time right now’ or ‘that must be so difficult for you,’” Gallagher said.

Another aspect of supporting a grieving friend is understanding the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Empathy is generally perceived as the ability to understand and share the feelings of other people. Sympathy, on the other hand, involves understanding a situation from your own perspective with the wish for them to be happier.

“You need to try to be empathetic rather than sympathetic,” Gallagher said.

“Empathy allows the person to express their emotions and be heard in a non-judgemental way, where sympathy doesn’t acknowledge the person’s experience in that moment.”

How to protect your own mental health when supporting a friend

It’s easy to forget to protect your own mental health when you’re trying to support a friend. As Gallagher put it: “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

The best way to support and care for a friend, according to Gallagher, is to make sure you’re okay first.

“Looking after yourself a a mental health carer means being tuned in to how you’re feeling and looking after yourself when you need to.”

Here are three great ways you can look after yourself when supporting a friend, as suggested by Gallagher:

• Set healthy boundaries 

“Know what your limits are and be able to communicate these to your friend or family member. This is especially true if you’re feeling worn out, are doing things you don’t feel comfortable doing, or have changed your mind about how you can help.

“It might be useful for you to set limits on things you have time and energy to help with, where and when you’re able to help, chat or support, and prioritising your needs or the needs of others.”

• Share your caring role

“It can be easier to support others if you’re not doing it alone. If there are other people that can support your friend or family member as well, don’t be afraid to ask for help.”

• Talk to people with similar experiences

“Having someone you can talk to about your experiences as a mental health carer can help you feel more supported and lighten the load you’re carrying.

“It can also help to feel more connected to others, and you might even pick up some skills or tips.”

While supporting a friend is a commendable thing to do, it’s important that you take care of yourself first. Hopefully these tips help you and those close to you when they’re going through a tough time.

Irene Gallagher is Head of Crisis Services, Knowledge and Quality at Lifeline Australia, which is celebrating its 60th birthday in 2023. To learn more about Lifeline or become a volunteer, visit their website here.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, connect with Lifeline by phone on 13 11 14 (24/7) text 0477 13 11 14 (24/7) or chat online (24/7). Please call 000 in case of emergencies.