You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated – in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.
This week we have a woman who can’t get her significant other to give up the goods. It’s been one dry year.
You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn't sugar-coated - in fact, it's sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.Read more
Keep in mind, I’m not a therapist or any other kind of health professional – just a guy who’s willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives. If for whatever reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here. Now then, let’s get on with it.
I am in a two-year relationship and it’s been one year since we had sexual intercourse. My partner is a very busy man and quite stressed out. Of course, my self-confidence is down and I also gained a couple of kilos. All my friends are saying that I am crazy and that I need to break up with him immediately, but I don’t want to.
In the beginning, I was blamed that I am not “doing it right” and all the trouble in our sex life is caused by me, without showing me the “right way”. Now, his response when the topic comes up in conversation is that he is more a “brain type of person” than physical, and I need to find a way to trigger his “sex button” using only my brain. Now, how in the hell am I gonna do that? Since every little trick in the book didn’t work maybe you can drop a line of advice and let me know how to hack his brain?
I hate the fact that he pretends to be tired or asleep when he sees that I am going to make my move on him. I just can’t believe he is mocking me… It’s bullshit!
Sexless in Seattle
Hey Sexless in Seattle,
This guy sounds like a real piece of work. Not only is he blaming you for a pretty serious problem, he’s refusing to show you exactly what he needs to get in the mood. And the whole “pretending to be asleep thing” is as childish as it gets. That’s what kids do when they don’t want to take their medicine or clean their room.
If he’s a “brain type person” or whatever, that’s fine, but he absolutely needs to explain to you what the hell that means. Like, does he need brain teasers to get an erection? Will it help if you do Sudoku in a negligee? Maybe play “strip Tetris”? I mean, it might be something more along the lines of playful teasing or adding some mystique and romance to your foreplay. But if you’ve actually tried every trick in the book, he probably just doesn’t want to have sex with you, and that’s his lame way to get out of it. Why be upfront about how you feel when you can just blame others for causing the problem, right?
I think you only have one option here, SiS: Tell him you need to have sex somewhat regularly or things aren’t going to work out between you two. Then, when he inevitably puts the blame on you for not wearing lingerie that can only be removed by solving puzzles or whatever, tell him he absolutely must show you what he specifically wants. Make him explain what “doing it right” actually means! If he refuses, you know what you have to do.
It’s possible this guy is asexual or questioning his sexuality, and if that’s the case, he needs to go figure out his own life. Hell, even if that isn’t the case, you should find someone who has a sex drive that’s at least somewhat close to matching yours. You’re bound to find a guy who wants to get busy at least once a year.
That’s it for this week. I probably didn’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. ‘Til next time, figure things out for yourself.