The Breakup Shop is an online service that takes “ghosting” to a whole new level. For a fixed fee, its staff members will perform breakups through texts, emails, letters or phone calls on your behalf. In the words of the company: “Let us handle the messy work of the breakup so you can spend more time swiping right.” Classy.
I think it’s safe to say that romance — and human decency in general — is dead. Thanks to a new startup dubbed The Breakup Shop, it’s now possible to “outsource” the breakup of your own relationship.
The site provides a range of breakup options that determine how your soon-to-be ex is informed of their imminent dumping. You can opt to send a text message ($10+), a standard/custom letter ($20+ and $30+ respectively) or a one-minute phone call which will be conducted by a “breakup expert” ($29+).
You don’t even have to bother writing down the details of the breakup — if you can’t be arsed with specifics they’ll generalise on your behalf. There’s even a “rush” option for people who want to nuke their relationship inside 24 hours. (The usual wait is up to three days.)
Here’s how The Breakup Shop explains its phone call package:
Its hard to breakup with someone. Let us do it for you. We’ll send a phone call to your future ex to share the bad news.
- One phone call at a time of your choosing
- Standardized breakup message created by our expert breakup team, or create a message yourself!
- Maximum one minute in length
- After ordering, we’ll be in touch by email to arrange the details of your breakup.
Oddly, the service also allows you to send a gift pack to your jilted lover, which includes a box of cookies, a $30 Netflix gift card, two red wine glasses and either The Notebook on Blu-ray or Call of Duty: Ghosts on Xbox One/PS4. Presumably, the idea here is to take the sting out of the breakup — although it’s highly unlikely that a box of goodies will make up for a ghost-written letter.
Obviously, this kind of thing is only remotely feasible if you’re at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, it’s probably best if they don’t even know where you live. Think about it: if your partner arranged for a complete stranger to breakup with you, would you take it lying down? It’s tantamount to a declaration of war.
For any evil sociopaths out there, we have some good news: the service is currently hiring. As a “Heartbreaker” it will be your job to perform breakups through texts, emails, letters and phone calls on the behalf of customers. Job satisfaction guaranteed!
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