There are a lot of underrated sex acts, but here's a big one you've probably been ignoring: fingering. Most adults tend to forget about fingering, but I'm going to show you why I think this act deserves a place in any couple's sexual repertoire, and give you some tips for how to do it properly.
This post also serves as the first instalment of a new series we're doing at Lifehacker called Do This Tonight: sex tips you can (and should) try out as soon as you can!
Why You Should Do This Tonight
Before we get into the details of how to become a fingering master, allow me to convince you why you should even bother in the first place.
It's A Nice Change of Pace
We tend to start our relationships being much more sexually creative and varied, but there's something about having intercourse that seems to make people forget that other sexual activities are possible. Most established heterosexual couples have long since abandoned fingering. If they do it at all, they do what I call the "let-me-just-pop-my-finger-in-here-real-quick-to-make-sure-it's-wet-enough-for-my-dick" move. Intercourse can be incredible, but it can also start to feel a little boring and predictable if it's all you're doing.
Having an entire sexual session where all you're doing is fingering her can feel so refreshing and unexpected. Most women haven't been thoroughly fingered in a very long time. For some, it might even date back to their junior high or high school days, furtively hiding in the back of the movie theatre or behind the school gym. Fingering her will instantly breathe some new life into the bedroom, and will remind her that getting fingered used to feel — and can still feel — thrilling.
It Feels Fantastic
Every woman is different, of course, but I think many would agree that getting fingered feels phenomenal. Fingers can give much more focused, deliberate, and intense stimulation than any other body part. You can also use one hand inside of her and the other on her clitoris. The combination of internal and external sensations can feel incredible.
It's More Likely To Make Her Orgasm Than Intercourse
70% of women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Getting clitoral stimulation during intercourse is possible, but a lot of my female clients tell me they have a hard time focusing on their own pleasure during intercourse. They may feel too embarrassed to ask for clitoral stimulation, or too shy to reach down and do it themselves, and it's logistically difficult in a lot of positions. Fingering is quite simply one of the easiest ways for women to reach orgasm. You can give her the exact kind of stimulation she needs.
It Lets Her Focus On Receiving
It's so rare in life that we get the opportunity to just receive. Being able to soak up all of the attention without having to worry about our partner in that moment can feel like such a gift. Plus, being giving and generous towards her may evoke some warm fuzzy feelings for you, and may inspire her to reciprocate next time.
How to Do It
Now let's get into the real nitty gritty of how to do the deed.
Get Her Permission
Ask her if she'll let you finger her tonight. Build up some anticipation by sending her this article, or a sexy text. Let her know that tonight it's going to be all about her, and her only. Tell her how excited you are to lavish attention on her gorgeous body.
Start With Good Tools
Make sure your nails are trimmed and filed, and that you don't have any bothersome hangnails. Do not cut your nails right before doing the deed, as they will be too sharp!
A good fingering requires good lube! I recommend high-quality silicone lubricant like Pjur Eros Bodyglide Original. Silicone lubes feel best against the skin. If you don't have any on hand or can't stop off at your friendly local sex shop, coconut oil can do the trick.
Spend plenty of time kissing her, slowly removing her clothes, and running your hands all over her body. Leave her underwear on, and trace your fingertips lightly over the fabric. You want her to be squirming with anticipation before actually getting down to business.
Remember The Basics
Get in a comfortable position that gives you good leverage with both hands. You can sit between her legs while she's flat on the bed, or have her drape her legs off the edge of a bed or sofa while you kneel between her knees. Use your dominant hand on her clitoris, and your non-dominant hand inside of her. Since the clitoris is so sensitive, you'll want your more dextrous hand on the job, but you can always switch if you want more power for the hand doing the thrusting. A safe place to start is drawing circles around her clitoris with your thumb, and using two fingers to pump in and out of her vaginal canal. Start off slow and gentle, and gradually build up to more intensity.
Give Her Options And Ask For Feedback
If you're not sure what she likes, demonstrate two different techniques, and get her feedback about what she likes best. Ask her, "do you like it better when I fuck you with two fingers, like this… or three fingers, like this…" Here are some other techniques to try:
- Going up and down across her clitoris vs left to right
- Thrusting your fingers into her harder vs softer, or deeper vs shallower
- Doing just clitoral stimulation, just internal stimulation, or both at the same time
- Twisting your wrist as you move in and out of her vs using a "come here" motion to stroke her G-spot
Fingering your lady can be an awful lot of fun. You're completely in charge of her pleasure, and can watch her respond to your every touch. If she knows you're enjoying yourself, she'll have a better time too.