Is It a Dating Dealbreaker or Just a Pet Peeve?

The more we learn about romantic relationships, the more apparent it becomes that there is a whole lot of bad advice floating around. In addition to that, loads of us tend to get caught up in the wrong kinds of things dating-wise, which can cause us to make all kinds of curious choices. So, with that in mind, today I’d like to chat about dealbreakers and how effective we are in selecting them.

Now, of course, your dating life is your own, and you can veto anyone you choose to. But, according to dating experts, there are some dealbreakers that are worth walking away for and others that probably aren’t as important as we tend to think.

Dating dealbreakers: What’s worth walking away for?

In a recent interview with Bustle, Dr Emily Jamea, a marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, shared her views on a number of popular dealbreakers. Here, she explained that loads of examples may change according to context but that, generally speaking, there are reasons for these common dealbreakers.

For example, listing rudeness to hospitality staff as a dealbreaker makes perfect sense to Dr Jamea.

“It gives us information about their ability to be patient, kind, generous, good-natured, respectful, and generous, all traits most people want in a potential life partner.

“I advise anyone in the dating world to run if they see a date being rude to someone in the service industry,” she said.

An overly negative outlook is another dealbreaker Dr Jamea viewed as reasonable. However, occasional negativity shouldn’t be seen as a red flag, she explained.

“I like the qualifier here of ‘overly,’ because it is important to maintain a sense of balance,” she told Bustle.

Similarly, she highlighted that bad hygiene (to the point that it may suggest low self-esteem) and treating animals poorly (note that this is different to not liking animals) are fair dealbreakers, too, because of what they can tell you about the person you’re dating.

Noticing that your date only talks about themselves is another key dealbreaker Dr Jamea pointed to because it may suggest “narcissistic tendencies” and can also hint at problems with seeing other perspectives.

At the root of it, however, dating coach Logan Ury believes there is one way to tell if something is a dealbreaker for you.

In her book How Not to Die Alone, Ury wrote that “dealbreakers are fundamental incompatibilities that doom a potential relationship,” not just a simple annoyance.

She warns that many of us confuse dealbreakers with pet peeves (“a minor thing that an individual finds particularly annoying, perhaps more than other people do”) and permissible pet peeves (“a preference that feels like a dealbreaker but is really just a pet peeve”).

As an example, she pointed to things like height preferences – not a dealbreaker. On the other hand, she shared that opposite views on whether you want kids in the future is a dealbreaker, yes.

Now, naturally, this list is going to look different depending on your values, so it’s worth really sitting down and thinking about the things you cannot have in a romantic relationship. Those are your dealbreakers. Everything else? You can probably find a workaround – for the right person.