The 7 Deadly Sins of Grocery Shopping

You are grocery shopping all wrong. Sadly, I can’t personally accompany you to the Piggly Wiggly and force you to navigate the supermarket correctly. I mean, I’m working on an army of atomic super-robots will be able to handle that, but until a naive venture capitalist shows up with first round of funding, you’ll have to settle for reading this list of the seven worst things you can do while grocery shopping.

Shopping in the wrong order

This one is a rookie mistake, but everyone’s done it: You unthinkingly throw a pint of Chunky Monkey in the cart and blissfully go about your shopping trip like a good consumer. By the time you get home, you discover you have a carton of ice cream soup. Worse even than that: warm meat. You could get sick from that. To avoid this particular flavour of heartbreak, shop in this order:

• Nonperishables
• Refrigerated items
• Frozen items
• Deli items

Not making a list

If you don’t plan out what you’re going to buy at the store, you’re losing on both ends. You’re going to come home with a bunch of stuff you didn’t really want and you’ll have forgotten what you went there to buy in the first place. You’ll probably end up spending more money too.

So make a list. Always. You should keep a master list of things you buy every time — eggs, milk, coffee, etc. — and then add-on non-staple items for that particular trip. Also: Make sure you check the fridge and pantry while list-making so you don’t accidentally double down on anything.

Shopping while hungry/thirsty

I’m sure your mother or favourite aunt told you not to go shopping when you’re hungry, but if that’s not good enough, there’s scientific research to back up the advice. A study published in 2013 by researches from Cornell University showed that test subjects who shopped in a laboratory grocery store simulator when they were peckish tended to buy more highly caloric food than satiated test subjects.The much-less commonly given advice to not shop when you are thirsty applies as well. (Or drunk.) (Or definitely when you’re high, unless you are shopping for the next time you’re high.)

Buying non-food items at the supermarket

Most supermarkets sell cleaning supplies, school supplies, motor oil, greeting cards and all kinds of other non-food items. It’s convenient, sure, but those items are usually overpriced at the grocery. You’re better off buying them online or in a big-box store.

Another item that’s usually overpriced at the supermarket: Alcoholic beverages. Booze prices vary widely depending on where you buy it, and grocery stores are usually in the middle. Small liquor stores are most expensive. Chain liquor stores are usually cheaper. But the best price is from big box stores like Costco, where the booze is so cheap, you can’t afford not to be an alcoholic.

Shopping at the wrong time/wrong day

Grocery stores are most crowded on weekend afternoons, the only days when Jill and Joe Wageslave have a little time to buy food. The least crowded store times tend to be weekday evenings around 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. and in the morning during the week (you know, when you’re at work.). If you have to shop on the weekend, go as early as possible. Few get up early to go shopping on Saturday or Sunday.

Allowing the store to psychologically manipulate you

Grocery stores are notorious for manipulating consumers, but you don’t have to fall for their wily tricks. Here are only some of the Big Grocery’s underhanded manipulation techniques.

• The maze effect: It’s easy to get into a supermarket, but hard to leave. This is what the one-way doors are about. Keeping you in the store longer means you’re more likely to spend more.
• The produce section is a lie: Grocers use careful lighting and constant water-sprays to make produce look as appealing as possible. But that doesn’t make it taste better; it just makes it shiny and spoil faster.
• The dairy section time-sink: The dairy section is likely as far as possible from the entrance. This is so a quick trip to pick up some milk will end in, “oh, I also need this floor wax, and this crate of cockatiel food!”
• Shopping cart size: Ever notice how huge shopping carts are? This is because people tend to buy more if they have more space to fill.
• Product placement: Stores usually place expensive items at eye-level so people are more likely to buy them. Combat this by crawling through the aisles, commando style.

Aspirational grocery shopping

I want you to think about the produce drawer in your fridge right now. How many vegetables are this close to being thrown away? You were probably feeling very upbeat when you bought that kale, picturing yourself as the kind of together person who has a kale smoothie every morning for breakfast. But what’s that kale doing now? It’s rotting, isn’t it? Meanwhile, you’re running out of Lil Smokey Cocktail Sausages and Hot Pockets. Stop shopping for some idealised version of yourself and accept your eating habits for what they are. You’re doing the best you can, and you’re OK, kale smoothies or no.