A Love Letter To My Darling Network

Roses are red, violets are blue, [clear]
Network, you are as integral as my CPU.[clear]
We may have our challenges but know this is true,[clear]
My organisation would not be the same without all that you do.[clear]

My darling Network,

We have faced a turbulent 2018 together, but through all the ups and downtimes, you have been there for me. Just as we, in the loving words of our CTO, “exceeded expectations” (of our relationship) last year, so too will we this year. In 2019, I know we stand united in the face of IoT challenges, employee’s thoughtless clicking on phishing emails, and unauthorised software downloads, going from strength to strength.

There are more than just the two of us in this relationship though, with Fitbits, tablets, applications, and a host of other BYO-anything encroaching on our time together to optimise. And while I’ve found it hard to manage meeting their needs and your security, we’ve made it. The countless endpoints and expectant mobile phones cannot break us, although plenty have tried. We. Are. Endgame.

I’m very protective of you and I am truly sorry that you must carry the burden of society’s expectations, as well as the needs of firewalls, proxies, alerting, vulnerability scanners, and various other tools. I don’t mean to keep you from the fun in the world, the YouTube cat clips, and multi-device streaming, but you have to admit, it’s for your own good.

My innovative solutions and network management software come from a place of love. My monitoring solutions don’t mean to be invasive, but with a holistic view, I can easily see who is on the network, automatically alerting me to any of your health issues from a central control panel. As you can see, my dearest, your health is of paramount importance to me, so expect to be spoiled with delightful treats like upgrades and customised software on the regular. Unlike humans, my love for you is not limited to Valentine’s Day and birthdays—it goes all the way to five nines.

They say it’s better to be one person’s whisky than everyone’s cup of tea, and you, my dear, are my Scotch malt. If others claim you don’t meet their expectations, know that I am aware that it’s them overloading you with streaming sports fixtures. If others claim your performance is slower than usual, know that I am already fighting for us, troubleshooting all problems. Whatever their gripe may be, know that I forever remain enamoured with every bit of you. Your strength is admirable; you regularly overcome the challenges of devices arbitrarily unplugged by unknown users; being moved here, there, and everywhere without ever knowing the load your shoulders will next have to bear.

My dear network, we have been through so much together and I look forward to an even more exciting future with you. I’m imagining how you’ll look with 5Gs dripping off you!

Love always, Your Tech Pro

Leon Adato is, Head Geek at SolarWinds.