What To Do When You've Been Ghosted

This week we have guy who met a nice girl on a dating app, had some great conversation with her, then met up for some drinks. Then she disappeared forever...

Some people have problems that require delicate advice from a qualified professional. Others just need a random guy on the internet to kick 'em in the teeth (with honesty, that is). I'm the latter. Welcome back to Tough Love.

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Note: I'm not a therapist or health professional of any kind. People ask for my advice and I give it to them. End of transaction. If you have a problem with it, feel free to file a formal complaint here. Now that that's out of the way, let's get on with it.

Hey Patrick,

So I use an online dating app, started talking to this girl last week, we talked everyday, and then we met up. During the week everything was great or seemed great. Talking on the phone, texting and so on. The date lasted about two hours and we had a few drinks.

Then I tried texting the next day and nothing... It's been a few more days and I want to call her because she seemed like an awesome person and I thought we had fun. Plus, we had all that great conversation before our date. I think I'm just confused. Should I just let it go and move on? We live real close to each other, and have a lot in common. Any help or advice would be great.

Thanks,

Ghost Hunter

Hey Ghost Hunter:

Welcome to online dating! It's only been a few days, GH, so play it cool. It's possible that she's been busy or travelling and just hasn't had the time to respond to you. Also, she doesn't have to answer you in a timely manner if she doesn't want to. Some people want space after they meet someone for the first time. That said - brace yourself - what probably happened is she ghosted you, dude. You had some conversation, you guys met up, and then she decided she didn't want to pursue you any further. It happens ALL. THE. TIME. So, here's what you do:

You ready, GH?

OK, here it is…

Nothing!

You do nothing. You went on a date and things didn't click - oh well, move on. There are a million possible reasons why she would ghost you. Here are some examples of how random those reasons can be:

  • She didn't feel an immediate spark.
  • You didn't look exactly like your photo.
  • She didn't understand a joke you made.
  • You like the wrong sports teams.
  • Her friend told her that you looked like someone she knew.
  • She got sick the next day and forgot about you.
  • She's dating multiple people and someone else stood out.
  • You said you hated cats.
  • She realised she's not ready to date again.
  • You ordered a Moscow Mule and she judges you a little bit.
  • She's still in love with her ex and you helped her realise that.
  • You wore a yellow shirt. She hates yellow.
  • She died.

Or maybe, just maybe, she sensed how eager you were… What's important here is that you don't take her ghosting personally, GH. Things might have felt great for you on your end, but maybe they were lukewarm for her, you know? Maybe the main reason she even gave you a shot was because you live so close, then realised her gut instinct was right after meeting up. Who knows? You never will and you need to be OK with that.

After a few more days, you can send one - exactly ONE - message to her to try to reconnect. Something like:

"Hey! I had a really great time with you last week. Let me know if you want to do it again sometime! :)"

After that, no more. If there is no response, it's game over with her. In the meantime, keep seeing what else is out there. Expect to meet a lot of people while exploring the world of online dating. You might luck out and meet someone fast, but be prepared to be in it for the long haul. Good things come to those who wait - and to those who don't freak out when someone ignores them.


That's it for this week. I probably didn't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. 'Til next time, figure things out for yourself.


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