You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn't sugar-coated - in fact, it's sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.
This week we have a guy who doesn't like that his girlfriend smokes weed, so he proposed to her...
Keep in mind, I'm not a therapist or any other kind of health professional - just a guy who's willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives. If for whatever reason you don't like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here. Now then, let's get on with it.
I've been with this girl for over a year, and no matter how much we compromise she continues to do what she claimed she wouldn't. After New Year's, it was her resolution to stop smoking weed, but she quickly changed her mind. I feel like it's killing me every time she does it. She could not even talk to me after smoking the last time.
So, I took her to the place she spoke about when we first met, proposed, and put my heart and soul completely out there. I asked her to choose me or drugs, and I have yet to hear from her. She normally waits a few days to respond, but there's only so much stress I can handle! And she claims I'm stressing her out with "my rules". I feel as if I'm being manipulated, but I love her so much I'd do anything for her. Could she be taking my love, time and trust for granted? Should I block all contact information, move on, and handle myself?
She's broken my trust a lot in the past, whether it was her going out or doing things she had promised she would never do. She always comes back running into my arms, but she hasn't texted me nor talked to me since yesterday, and it has me feeling as if she's cheating or choosing a drug over me. I feel as if I'm walking through this blind and she's being as belligerent as possible.
Sincerely, Not So High Guy
Hey Not So High Guy,
You say it "kills you" each time she smokes weed, but I'm guessing since you've only been together for a year that she did this before you started dating. Did you go into this expecting her to change for you? Were you under some weird assumption you could "fix" her horrible non-addiction to a non-habit forming substance? Whether you pressured her into her resolution or not (it sounds like you did), it's her resolution and she can do whatever she wants. It isn't her duty to try to squeeze into the mould you've set forth. She just doesn't fit.
So you decided to propose... Wrong move, dude! You don't like who she is, so you ask her to marry you? That doesn't make any sense. Doubling down is not how you fix problems in a relationship! On top of that, your proposal was an ultimatum, and a pretty judgemental one at that. Instead of a sweet, romantic gesture, you offered her some kind of plea bargain deal. Like you'll forgive her for her "transgressions" if she's willing to live under your rule. No wonder she hasn't responded yet. She isn't manipulating you, NSHG, and she isn't taking your love, time or trust for granted. She probably just isn't sure if she wants to marry someone who acts like her probation officer all the time, telling her what she can and can't do for the rest of her life. Nobody wants that, even if you mean them well.
She's more of a free spirit who likes to go out and get high every once in a while, and you're more of a straight edge, good-clean-fun kinda guy. Both types of people are totally fine, but they rarely mix well. I mean, at this point she's probably very aware that you don't like her smoking weed, yet she continues to do it anyway. I'm thinkin' thats your cue to move on, not push harder. Also, you clearly have some control issues that are worth addressing. Hell, you can't even give her some space to think about your life-altering proposal/deal without assuming she's off getting high and banging some other dude! Stop seeing everyone else as rule breakers that don't adhere to your preferences and start seeing people for who they really are: Imperfect beings that are just looking for someone to accept them. Some of them will be a good fit for you, and others won't.
That's it for this week. I probably didn't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. 'Til next time, figure things out for yourself.