The world’s largest adult roadshow slid into Sydney on the weekend for the 19th year in a row. Amid the carnal cavalcade of twerking strippers and vibrating gizmos were a series of sex seminars that promised to teach attendees something useful. Here a few coital titbits that raised our collective eyebrows.
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#1 “Vagina yoga” is a thing
According to professional sex therapist Tamra Mercieca, women should add their vaginas to their workout regime for better sex and superior vaginal control.
“If you look at your index finger, you’ll notice there are three segments,” Mercieca explained. “We can also separate our vagina into three sections and learn how to contract and release those three sections independently of each other, essentially giving you the ability to play your partner’s penis like a flute.”
This can be achieved with something called a jade egg, which is designed to strengthen the hammock-shaped pubococcygeus muscle.
“Essentially, you learn how to train your vaginal muscles to slip the egg inside. Once it’s there, you do various exercises to awaken that tissue so that you can not only feel more pleasure, but also activate the glands in the vagina so you self-lubricate more naturally.”
If Mercieca is to be believed, a lack of exercise and sexual activity can actually cause a female’s sexual organs to completely rot out. “Ladies, we need to look after our vaginas otherwise they will quite literally fall out of us,” she said. We have nothing to add to this.
#2 Premium “sex mannequins” aren’t just for creepy loners. Honest.
Fantasy Dolls are a range of purpose-built sex dolls made from a single mould of flesh-like silicone encasing a flexible skeletal frame. According to the dolls’ makers, weirdos in basements only make up a small percentage of their customer-base. No really.
“A lot of our clients are married couples who want to enhance their lovemaking without the guilt,” explained one of the PR reps, slightly unconvincingly. “Another trend we’re seeing are women who travel a lot for work and don’t want their husband to be unfaithful, so she’ll buy him a doll. We also received a big order from a fashion company because they look sexier than normal mannequins and can be quickly posed into different position.” Riiight.
#3 Depressed and overweight? Try the “man juice” diet.
Apparently, regular semen consumption is a great way to lose weight, reduce depression and clear your complexion. It says here. This is thanks to a wholesome cocktail of zinc, Vitamin C, proteins, amino acids and water. In a controlled study, consuming nine grams of semen per week led to an average weight loss of half a kilogram. (I suspect this probably has more to do with the physical effort of fellatio, but don’t let me stop you.)
It’s not just “man juice” either: Similar health properties are present in female ejaculate (AKA “amrita”.) “If you want to experience higher states of arousal and better health, then please drink up, because it is seriously good for you,” the presenter told us. Okay.
#4 Aussie men prefer “masturbatory aids” based on Australian porn stars
One of the most popular sex toys at this year’s Sexpo was the Spider range of silicone “love pieces” for men. It sounds like something for people with an arachnid fetish, but they’re actually photo-realistic replicas of famous porn stars’ vaginas.
Debuting at this year’s show was an Australian performer range, including Samme Rosee (pictured). Despite being somewhat minor celebrities in the global porn pantheon, the Aussie range was still the biggest seller at the show. “I’m wiping the floor with the UK girls!” Samme enthusiastically gushed. Good for her, we guess.
#5 How to orgasm without ejaculating
Tantric sex has a mystically unreachable reputation thanks to the marathon claims made by New Age warbler Sting. However, it turns out it’s not that difficult to pull the trigger without unloading, so to speak. One of the seminars we attended offered a handful of junk hacks to help separate orgasm from ejaculation. Tips included:
- Practice penis “pull up” squats
- Hold your breath immediately prior to orgasm
- Press your perineum
- Pull your testes away from your body
#6 Willies are pretty decent paintbrushes
Ever been in front of an art canvas without a paintbrush? Simply loosen your belt and whip out your genitals! Tim Patch is a party trick specialist who goes by the self-explanatory stage name “Pricasso”. We saw him in action on the showroom floor and were highly impressed by his wang work. “You need to use really smooth paint and cover the canvas with paint to start with,” Patch explained to us. “Otherwise you’re rubbing against dry canvas and can feel yourself wearing away.”
#6.9 Penises and vaginas are the same thing. Wait, what?
Here’s another pearl of wisdom from Tamra Mercieca: “There are particular points along the shaft of the penis and vaginal canal that mirror each other and other areas of the body. For instance, the tip of the penis and the cervix of the woman are connected to the heart. When the penis is inside the vagina, all these reflexology points actually marry up, which makes sense because essentially the penis is just an outward version of the vagina.
“Not many people realise when we’re in the womb, up until about week eight to ten we’re all female and it’s at that point that if you’re going to be a boy, the vagina begins to grow outwards. So the clitoral hood on a woman becomes the foreskin on a man. The inner labia becomes the skin on the shaft of the penis and the outer labia becomes the scrotum. That’s why men have that line down the centre of the scrotum because that’s where the right and left labia have joined together in the womb. So we’re more similar than we are different.” Again, we have nothing to add to this.