How to Disarm a Love-Bomber

Dating is confusing even at the best of times. Factor in the machinations of a love bomber, and you’ll be left scratching your head for days analysing their over-the-top behaviour and professions of love.

“A ‘love bomber’ is someone who expresses their affection for a new potential mate in an extremely adoring, highly intimate way very early in a romantic relationship,” says Dr. Cortney S. Warren, a psychologist and author of the book, Letting Go of Your Ex. “Although not a clinical term, love bombing is generally thought to be a manipulative dating tactic used to make a potential dating partner dependent and invested in a relationship before having adequate time to evaluate whether it’s a good fit.”

For example, soon after meeting a potential romantic partner, a love bomber is likely to shower you with adoring compliments, offer expensive or highly personal and intimate gifts, declare that they love or adore them, make efforts to remain in constant contact (e.g., calling or texting multiple times a day), or offering commitment right away.

According to Warren, love bombing is generally a red flag because the statements and behaviours of love bombers are too extreme for a healthy relationship to form. Over time, she says, love bombers shift from “a position of idealizing their new mate and expressing their feelings in an over-the-top positive way to devaluing their partner in a critical and demeaning way.”

Love bombing is just yet another landmine that people need to sidestep in the dating world, which is why it’s essential to know how to disarm one. Below, Warren offers her tips on how to do just that.

Take your time

Often, love bombers are trying to get a fast, early reaction, which is why Warren says maintaining your own speed in a relationship is critical to feeling safe and secure with a new dating partner. In other words, slow and steady wins the race. So if a love bomber says they love you early on, Warren recommends responding with your authentic reaction that you’re not on the same page. Warren suggests saying something like, “Wow…thank you but I’d like to take this a little more slowly,” or “You’re moving a little fast for me!”

Set boundaries

Boundaries are essential since love bombers constantly want your attention and time. “If you communicate that you want time with your friends and family but your love-bombing new dating partner reacts poorly to that, stay true to yourself,” Warren says. “You absolutely should be able to have your own relationships away from this relationship — acknowledge their feelings but don’t lose yourself in the process of dating.”

You may say something like, “I hear you want to spend a lot of time together, but it’s really important to me that I maintain my friendships and interests too.” Warren says if they don’t respect your boundaries, you may need to reevaluate your relationship.

Consider your insecurities

“Some love bombers display narcissistic tendencies — meaning they often highly value their own attributes, want to be the centre of attention, and are sensitive to imperfections in themselves and others,” Warren says. “As such, they may be highly attuned to the insecurities of their mate and can easily try to take advantage of them.”

If you notice your love-bombing mate is making comments or slights in areas where you are most vulnerable and sensitive to criticism, Warren says it’s important to pause first. She recommends saying the following: “When you criticise me in that way, it really hurts my feelings. I would appreciate it if you didn’t say those things to me.”

In general, if you’re dating a love bomber, Warren advises that it’s important to build your self-esteem and find a good therapist to help you work through your relationship. “Ultimately, you want your choice of mate to be a healthy one for you that emerges from a place of strength and honesty instead of overly flowery language and unrealistic romantic ideals,” she says.