How Stress-Resilient Is Your Relationship?

If you’ve ever been broken up with, you might have heard the explanation, “I’ve just got so much going on right now.” It might have been followed with “It’s just not a good time for me,” or the clichéd “It’s not you, it’s me.” Balancing life demands can be complicated — friendships, health, finances, and jobs are no doubt stressful — but why does it seem that relationships are easily let go when we’re faced with overwhelming pressure?

“Most of us don’t leave our stress at the door; they tend to come home with us,” Sarah Melancon, Ph.D, a Sociologist and Clinical Sexologist, tells Lifehacker. “When stressed, it is often difficult to be present and enjoy yourself. You may struggle to focus or hold an ordinary conversation. Mood and sleep are often affected. Laughing, joking, and having fun may be the farthest thing from your mind, even though they could be helpful.”

It makes sense then that whatever we’re dealing with outside of our relationships affects how we show up within them, and, in turn, affects the relationship.

“Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman have found that happy relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions , so when we’re stressed, that ratio can easily go down,” Melancon explains.

If your partner is dealing with something particularly stressful, such as a death in the family, a traumatic experience, or experiencing ongoing stressors, it’s not surprising that those issues can especially put a strain on a relationship, making it just another stressor to deal with.

Why is a relationship the first thing to go?

According to Melancon, it’s dependent on the person, and for some people relationships may already be challenging — so when additional stressors are thrown in, something has to give.

“While many people find relationships to be a source of support, some find the process of seeking support only adds stress,” she explains. “Those who prefer to deal with their problems on their own may be more likely to break up while under stress.”

Relationships can feel most overwhelming when we’re stressed

For those who crave the connection and support that relationships give, Melancon points out that relationships require our attention in varying ways.

“When we are stressed, we tend to have tunnel vision, handling only the things directly in front of us,” she says. “If we’re already stressed, and our partner wants to talk about their stressful day, for example, it can push us into overwhelm. Even positive plans can feel like a burden when your bandwidth is low; a date night can feel like a prison sentence when your mind is going 161 km per hour and you feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off.”

Who is more likely to break up in times of stress?

Melancon says there isn’t any data supporting whether it’s more common among men than women to have a “stress breakup,” although she adds there is evidence to suggest that under stress, men are more likely to experience “flight-or-fight,” while women are more likely to respond with “tend-and-befriend.” In addition, she says, according to research, men tend to become more egocentric and less adaptive under stress.

Attachment styles are another thing to consider. “Individuals with secure or anxious attachment tend to go to their partner when stressed, while those with avoidant attachment tend to deal with their problems alone,” Melancon says. “While both men and women can have avoidant attachment, the tendency towards ‘flight-or-fight’ in men may combine with avoidant attachment to create a stronger pull away from relationships at times of stress.”

Learn what you (and your partner) need

While breaking up with a partner might work for some, it might not be the best thing you need in the long run — and could be something you regret later on. Before deciding to break up, Melancon recommends understanding what works best for you and your partner to communicate what you need when you’re stressed out.

“Some people, particularly those with avoidant attachment, typically need space,” she says. “Talking about their problems often adds to their stress, especially if they feel pressure from a partner to share.”

If you tend to lean towards an avoidant attachment, Melancon suggests letting your partner know you appreciate their concern, but the best thing they can do is leave you alone for a while. If your partner is avoidant, hold back and let them come to you. “Doing something for them independently, such as cooking or picking up dinner, may help some avoidants feel cared for even while taking their space,” she says.

Those with secure and anxious attachment tend to feel better when talking to their partner.

“Individuals with anxious attachment can go overboard, because they tend to lack healthy emotional boundaries and struggle to differentiate themselves from others,” Melancon explains. “It may be necessary to set a boundary with an anxious partner.” For instance, let them know you have 20 minutes to talk about whatever’s stressing them out before carrying on with dinner.

The difference between a “stress breakup” and a real one

If you’re considering a breakup during a period of stress, Melancon recommends asking yourself whether you simply need some space right now, or whether you’re really done spending time with this person altogether. A breakup may be warranted when:

• A relationship is new and you don’t have the energy or desire to get to know them anymore.
• The relationship is casual and the stressors will be ongoing, compromising your ability to be present.
• Your partner isn’t helping with your stress, or is making things worse.

But Melancon also points out how a relationship can also help alleviate stress from the other areas of your life.

“Relationships provide support, both directly and indirectly,” she says. “Directly, we may feel better talking to a partner about our stresses. They may help by listening, problem-solving, or cheerleading, depending on the situation. Indirectly, knowing we have someone who cares can help us feel less alone.”