Even if you’ve been with your partner for a long time, it can be embarrassing to try to express what you like and don’t like when having sex. One common question I get as a sex therapist is how to give feedback, even if you feel shy about it.
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Lots of people have a hard time asking for what they want while having sex, let alone even knowing what they want in the moment.
Since asking during sex can feel like too tall of an order for most shy folks, I suggest starting with talking about what you like after sex.
Have you ever watched a post-game show after any sort of sporting event? A bunch of commentators get together and talk about the game. They go over who did what, all the big plays, and summarise the whole event. You can do this after sex too! You don’t need to go into critiques (no equivalents of “Jones really blew that clutch play in the final seconds” please!), but focus on what you did like. Share your thoughts in a way that emphasises taking a team approach to sex (keep that sports metaphor going!). You want to focus on how the two of you can work together to keep creating a sex life that feels vibrant and fulfilling to you both.
Here are some examples:
- “You know that thing you did, where you bit my lip? I loved that.”
- “Wow, going really slow like that felt amazing.”
You can also be direct in asking for repeats next time, for example:
- “I liked when you grabbed me and tossed me on the bed. I want you to do that again.”
- “That made me realise how much fun it is when you tease me. Can you do that next time too?”
You’re not limited to only the things you did that particular time; you can also ask for something new:
- “I really loved you blindfolding me. What if next time we tried tying up my hands too?”
- “It was exciting when you whispered how turned on you were in my ear. What do you think about trying out more dirty talk?”
If you’re feeling too shy to give your feedback first, try soliciting some from your partner.
- “What was your favourite part of that?”
- “Which of those positions did you like best?”
This post-sex wrap-up session is a great way to bond with your partner after sex. It gives you a chance to check in with each other and stay connected, instead of immediately getting distracted by your phones or the TV. Give it a try!
How Do I Give My Partner Sexual Feedback If I’m Super Shy [Vanessa Marin]
Vanessa Marin is a sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist based in San Francisco.
This article has been updated since its original publication date.