The Out-of-Touch Adults’ Guide to Kid Culture: Ostrich Love and the Return of MySpace

The Out-of-Touch Adults’ Guide to Kid Culture: Ostrich Love and the Return of MySpace
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The internet spat out three new, animal-themed insta-celebrities recently: Gorilla Glue Lady, Ostrich Lady, and Cat-Lawyer. It’s a damn zoo out here, people. Also, since it was Valentine’s Day, Minecraft got surprisingly romantic.

This week in hair-don’ts: Gorilla Glue lady

Tessica Brown took the entire internet on hair-centric emotional journey this week. The saga began with an Instagram video in which the Louisiana woman revealed that she had recently run out of hair product, so she used Gorilla Glue instead. This was a bad idea; for a month, her hair was permanently shellacked to her head by the industrial strength adhesive.

Millions viewed her videos, and while some jerks laughed at her, most internet denizens responded with sympathy and solutions like “Rub some tea tree oil on your head” or “Try acetone,” but Brown’s hair remained so solid, she couldn’t even shave it off. Luckily, the unfortunate woman’s plight came to the attention of Los Angeles plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Obeng, who offered to surgically remove the glue. Brown’s manager — you need a manager if you get glue in your hair these days — told People.com that the procedure was a success and the glue is now gone, but it was a serious enough operation that full recovery could take a couple months. I hope Brown and her hair come out of this unscathed and fabulous. 

Viral video of the week: Enter the cat lawyer

Attorney Rod Ponton inadvertently created the funniest video of the week when he appeared on a Zoom court hearing in the 394th district of Texas disguised as a kitten. This was not a Matlock-style gambit to force a confession from a dog-criminal; Ponton was having technical problems.

“Mr. Ponton I believe you have a filter turned on in your video settings,” Hon. Judge Roy B. Ferguson offered helpfully.

“It is and I don’t know how to remove it,” the adorable white kitten responded. “I’m prepared to go forward with it. I’m here live. I’m not a cat.”

In a perfect illustration of the internet’s “Milkshake Duck” phenomenon, though, it turns out kitten-lawyer Ponton may actually be horrible: A Texas woman claims that Ponton stalked her and used his position as a prosecutor to harass her after their relationship ended. Ponton denies it all…but isn’t that exactly what a sentient cat would say?

How to Know When a Meme Is Dead

Every meme has a lifespan. Sure, you can share any meme you choose at any time you’d like, but I’d guess that if you were to reach into your meme rolodex and pull out a Laughing SpongeBob or Grumpy Cat in 2021 that you’d be flexing some weak, unstudied game.

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This week in social media: The return of MySpace

An, a teenager in Germany, used their lockdown time to bring the essence of classic social media network MySpace back from internet death. An’s SpaceHey is a dead ringer for MySpace around 2006, when it was 100 million users strong and every terrible band on earth was using it to promote a new song.

SpaceHey features everything you remember: blogs, bulletins, instant messaging, and the ability to use HTML and CSS to customise your pages. Maybe best of all, SpaceHey’s creator says he will try to collect as little data as possible from users in order to provide more privacy than, say, Facebook. So far, An’s experiment in nostalgia is going well — over 55,000 users have signed up since it launched at the end of November.

“I was only a few years old when MySpace was popular,” An wrote to Vice.com in an email designed to make me feel very old. “I never came to use MySpace. However, thanks to older friends and the internet, I heard a lot about it. I came to the conclusion that you can’t find something like this nowadays, where everyone can be this creative.”

Please befriend me on SpaceHey. I currently only have default friends, and I don’t want to wait until some 11 year-old decides to relaunch Friendster or a zygote feels nostalgic for Bebo.

This week in romance: Woman loves ostrich

Ostrich rehabber (yes, that’s an actual career) Wendy Adriaens won the internet’s heart this week with her TikTok video seeming to show a romantic date with an ostrich, just in time for Valentine’s!

Nearly three million people have viewed the happy couple canoodling on a blanket while the theme to Braveheart plays and the grotesque creature sensually lays its abominable neck on Adriaens’ shoulder.

I think ostriches, like all animals, are terrible and only want to kill us, but even I am moved by the inter-species devotion on display here: Find yourself a partner who treats you like this internet ostrich treats its rehabber and you’ll be happy forever. Or at least get a bunch of views on TikTok.

The Out-of-Touch Adults’ Guide To Kid Culture: Warning Signs

This week, the internet is all about the possibility of great harm. Maybe it’s a hangover from the “just do whatever, who even cares anymore?” vibe of the past four years, but for whatever reason, all I see are blinking red danger signs, from financial Goliaths being owned by internet...

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This week in video games: Valentine’s-themed Minecraft worlds

In a charming trend, gamers are celebrating St. Valentine’s day this year by creating romance-themed Minecraft worlds for their significant others, then sharing their reactions on TikTok.

The nerd-love is impossibly adorable. Like, try not to say “aww” while watching @kashii, who spent all day making a pink-overdose-explosion of pixelated hearts and flowers for the love of their life, or try to keep from smiling at @dinosourchickennuggies’s video of a romantic roller-coaster ride that ends with a heartfelt love letter written by their sweetie. Here’s the hashtag if you want to check out more of this peculiar and awesome love-trend.

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