Let’s face it: There are people in your life who, in a variety of ways, need to shape up. Maybe they aren’t getting out enough. Maybe they’re getting out too much. Maybe they can never hang out because they’re too hungover. Maybe they can never hang out because their cat, Mr Snuffles, has separation anxiety. Maybe they never want to hang out because you’re an unbearable prig who keeps telling them how badly they need to improve? No! This clearly has nothing to do with you. You’re perfect.
In the spirit of just being here to help, here’s a selection of products each chosen to improve even the most reluctant-to-improve person in your life. Even if they’re a little offended, they won’t be able to deny that you have excellent taste.
Martha Stewart’s Homekeeping Handbook
This is a gorgeous, 752-page hardcover masterpiece that addresses the cleaning and maintenance of anything you can possibly imagine might need cleaning and maintenance in a home. It’s the perfect gift for a new homeowner, or anyone whose domicile needs tidying. The sheer depth and breadth of the information in this book elevates it far beyond your basic “Here’s How Not to Be a Slob” title, so the possibility of insulting someone with this gift is… relatively low. We aren’t going to say it’s impossible.
Herbivore Detox Bath Salts
What it looks like you’re saying: “You work too hard. You deserve some you time.”
What you’re actually saying: “You’re always out doing God knows what and I suspect you’re on hard drugs. Here, get in a tub of this for a few hours.”
Lumo Lift Posture Coach
This is a neat little device that buzzes pleasantly whenever you slouch, so maybe you’ll stand up straight for once. What? We’re just saying.
Marvis Whitening Mint Toothpaste
Would you gift wrap a tube of Colgate for your loved one? No, because you aren’t a tasteless monster. This stuff, however, is some fancy-arse toothpaste that no one would buy for themselves because it seems too indulgent, somehow. Look at that packaging! So what if you’re also sending a subtle hint about the person’s dental hygiene habits?
Dr Hauschka Rose Deodorant
Speaking of hygiene: This is a delicate way of telling your beloved, “I want your armpits to smell like crushed rose petals. And not like what they normally smell like. Never mind what I meant by that – did I mention that this quality product is aluminium-free? Only the best for you, my darling.”
Elements of Wit: Mastering the Art of Being Interesting
This looks like a self-help book for the chronically boring, but it’s actually an entertaining collection of witticisms and a lighthearted analysis of what makes great wits, which makes it so much fun to read. Which is not to say it wouldn’t help the chronically boring people in your life.
The Trainable Cat
There’s no easy way to say “Mr Snuffles is out of control and I’m afraid to visit your house, lest he once again poop on my backpack.” But you can easily say, “Look at this fun book I found for you! Did you know that you can train cats? I had no idea!” See how easy?