Sexting is a great tool to use when it comes to spicing up your relationship. Whether you’ve been coupled up for a while or just getting to know someone, sexting can be the perfect foreplay. But when is a good time to initiate sexting, and should you ask the other person first if it’s OK to sext? What are some things you shouldn’t sext when you’re dating someone?
“Sexting simply refers to sending sexy texts: words, images, videos and/or voice notes,” says Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Lovehoney relationship expert and sexologist. “Some of the benefits of sexting include the opportunity to communicate what you want in bed or to reflect on past experiences and relish in hot memories. Or it can build anticipation and be used as a means to flirt and be playful, or be a form of dirty talk.”
For those who are dating someone new or anyone looking for some pointers, O’Reilly shares her best tips for how and when to sext.
When should you start sexting?
If you’re nervous about when to send that first flirty text, don’t be. According to O’Reilly, there is no right time to start sexting. “Some people do so before they meet in person and others start after they’ve had sex It’s up to you to determine what works for you,” she says.
However, before hitting send, you need to always ask for consent first. “Digital expressions and interactions are no different than in-person interactions, so it’s essential to ensure that both/all parties are on-board,” she stresses. While that might not apply to couples in longterm arrangements, if you’ve never sexted before, it’s always a good idea to let your partner know that you’d like to start so they’re on the same page.
If you’re dating someone new, O’Reilly recommends being mindful of what you share over text. “You don’t know who else might access their phone, and there is alway the possibility that they’ll share your messages with others,” she says. “For this reason, some folks opt to leave their face out of photos when sexting.”
What to sext when you’re newly dating someone
Below, O’Reilly shares some hot opening lines that you can use to start off the sexy conversation:
“I’m feeling frisky. Want to see a pic?”
“I’m all dressed up and barely dressed. Want a peek?”
“I loved the way you ______ last night. I can’t stop thinking about it. How about you?”
“Looking forward to tonight. Anything I should know about what you’re into?”
“I miss you. Send me a sexy pic?”
If sending pics, O’Reilly says you can start with something blurry and hard to decipher (like a photo in the dark) to keep them guessing. Often people make the mistake of sending too much too soon — like a close-up of genitals — which is why it’s important to remember that “less is more” when it comes to early seduction. She recommends choosing another sexy body part and shooting it from a variety of angles and zoom distances to really tease them.
What to sext for the first time if you’re in a relationship
While you can use any of the lines above with a partner as well, O’Reilly suggests considering talking about the past, present, and future when it comes to your sext life, including:
“Remember when we…”
“Guess what I’m thinking about right now?”
“Can’t wait to see you so that we can…”
If you want to include your face with your sext, O’Reilly recommends using a selfie stick to help capture your best angles when it comes to sending a nude. You might even want to record a video of yourself moving seductively in lingerie.
She also suggests sending voice notes of your dirty talk to really turn on the heat. “Audial lovers will find the sound of your voice exciting,” she says. So tell your partner what you want them to do to you that night or you might even record yourself as you masturbate.
Basically, anything goes as you tap into your creative and sexy self.
What not to sext
While emojis are cute, O’Reilly says they’re not sexy and actually do little to turn on your partner. She recommends saving emojis for your texting — not sexting — and allow your own words and photos to convey what you desire. So skip the eggplant and doughnut emojis, and go with how you really feel.
But most importantly, when it comes to any “don’t” with sexting, O’Reilly says don’t assume that you have blanket consent whether you’ve just started dating or you’re in a longterm relationship. “Be sure to check in and see what your partner is in the mood for before sexting,” she says. Just because they enjoyed something yesterday doesn’t mean they want more of the same today, so keep communicating to cultivate ongoing consent.”
What to do if you’re truly stuck on what to sext
If you’re truly stumped on what to send in your first sext, O’Reilly recommends thinking about how you want to make the recipient feel and consider how the message makes you feel as well.
“Do you want them to feel desired? Sexy? Powerful? Excited? Naughty? Loved? Start with the desired emotional outcome and the content will follow.”
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