The 7 Deadly Sins of Keeping a Secret

Whether it’s a secret crush, an illicit affair, or a murder, most people keep secrets, but most people are bad at it. Effective, to-the-grave style secret-keeping is a skill like anything else, one that can be developed. I’m not saying you should keep secrets — life would probably be better if we were more open — but if you’re going to, you might as well be good at it. If you’re the kind of person who can’t keep that surprise party to yourself, read on: The tips below will help you not spill your guts at the slightest pressure (or will help you decide whether to even keep it at all).

Keeping a secret that’s not worth keeping

Most people are pretty boring and so are their secrets, so chances are no one will care that much about whatever you’re hiding, and you’d probably be better off if you just ‘fessed up. Telling the truth is often a lot less trouble, it’s easier to remember, and chances are your friends can relate to your inner struggle. In other words: Make sure whatever you’re hiding is actually worth the effort it will take.

Dwelling on it

Research shows that keeping certain kinds of secrets can be detrimental to our lives. It can create anxiety, stress, and lower overall quality-of-life. But that’s not the whole story. An overview of secrets research published in the American Psychological Association suggests that the real problem with secrets is how much we dwell on them, not what the secrets actually are: “The frequency of mind-wandering to secrets predicts lower well-being (whereas the converse was not the case).” How “big” or damaging a secret is doesn’t matter nearly as much as how often you brood about it, so the real trick to not letting your secret destroy you is to just not worry about it.

Making someone else part of your secret

Many people have the urge to tell someone else about the thing they’re hiding. This is not a good idea. If you’ve determined your secret must be kept, you must bear the weight of it alone. First, because telling someone else is the way most secrets are revealed, and secondly, it’s not fair to the person you’re telling. If you tell your friend that you’re cheating on your spouse, you’re putting them in the position of also having to hide your affair by creating a co-conspirator who didn’t agree to the position. So when someone says, “Can I tell you a secret?” you should firmly respond, “Please don’t.”

Talking too much

I like the YouTube sub-genre of long-form police interrogation videos. Watching cops manipulate criminals into confessions that will put them in jail forever is fascinating. The cops often don’t have much, or even any, evidence, and if the suspects were better at keeping their secret, they might not even be charged, let alone convicted. But they inevitably walk right into the trap. If told “We have mobile phone data that says you were at the liquor store that got robbed.” They might reply, “I was in the neighbourhood that night, but I didn’t even go into that liquor store,” instead of saying, “I wasn’t there.” (Or better yet, “I want a lawyer.”) When keeping a secret, say as little as possible. Change the subject if you can. Keep the conversation short, and learn how to lie. For reference: Here’s how actually innocent people react to being falsely accused.

Being a bad liar

Like most people, I’m a terrible liar, so I don’t lie unless I absolutely have to. But, depending on the kind of secret you’re keeping, you might have to do some lying. To do it well means keeping calm, breathing normally, and saying as little as possible. Try to avoid “tells” like looking upwards, gulping, fidgeting, and sweating. Be calm and maintain eye-contact. Spinning an elaborate, detailed tale is a dead-giveaway. So is using phrases like, “you can trust me,” or “I’m not going to stand here and lie to your face.”

Keeping documentation

If you are serious about keeping something hidden, you should not write it down in an effort to unburden yourself. Don’t keep a diary, write a letter you’ll never send, or make an anonymous blog post. All of that is evidence. If you absolutely must write it down, burn the pages immediately afterwards. If you have to tell someone, tell your cat. Say it aloud when you’re underwater. Anything that doesn’t leave traces behind.

Keeping a secret you shouldn’t keep

Harmless secrets like an upcoming surprise party or that fetish porn you’re into are one thing, but if keeping a secret would result in someone being hurt, don’t keep it. There are situations where it is illegal to keep a secret, or a matter of professional ethics. Try to game out whether the fallout from your secret being revealed is better or worse than the mental effort of keeping it hidden.