On Slate’s parenting podcast “Mum and Dad Are Fighting”, the hosts debated a tough question: After a divorce, should you spend time together as a family if a child requests it?
A mother named Amy called in to share that she and her children’s father are going through an “amicable” divorce, but her 4-year-old really wants the family to hang out together. For Amy, doing so would be “unhealthy” and she fears it would send the wrong message to the kids, one that gives them hope that their parents will one day get back together.
She wanted to know what she should do. The advice-givers, Carvell Wallace and Rebecca Lavoie, had differing opinions.
Wallace suggested she go for it, that purposefully scheduled family time — an hour or two a week with “super clear boundaries” — would help the kids with this very difficult transition. Lavoie disagreed, believing that while school concerts, birthday parties and other events specifically focused on the child are fine to attend together as a family, anything beyond that creates a “slippery slope” and may take a toll on new relationships.
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With the rise of divorce vacays, more parents are going to great lengths to show their kids that relationships can still be meaningful even if they don’t work out as planned.
In a New York Times Modern Love essay, Lara Bazelon described the unexpected success of a family holiday she took with her kids and her ex-husband. “Divorce, at its best, is a love reborn — birthed from heartache and rage and despair and ultimately, forgiveness — that creates a different kind of family”, she wrote.
If you’ve been divorced, do you schedule family time? How does it work? What does it look like?