How To Have BDSM Sex That’s Safe And Consensual 

Recently, New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman was accused by four women of physical assault during sex. Schneiderman responded by saying that the hitting, choking, and slapping he’s accused of were part of kinky “roleplaying.” All four women say they never consented to engage in these types of behaviours. Whether or not Schneiderman was indeed “roleplaying” at all, the case is opening up a vitally important conversation about consent, particularly within the context of kink and BDSM.

Here’s what you need to know to get it right.

Consent is Non-Negotiable

If you want to have sex with other people, you must practice consent. Period. You must ensure that your partner is fully on board with being intimate with you in the specific ways you want to be intimate, and vice versa.

Consent Is an Essential Part of BDSM

There’s a myth that the people who engage in kink and BDSM are wild and unrestricted. In the wake of 50 Shades of Grey, when kink and domination/submission play became much more mainstream, this myth has perpetuated. More people have been casually engaging in kink and BDSM without properly doing their research.

In reality, consent is actually one of the hallmarks of kink and BDSM. People who identify as part of these communities tend to be exquisitely tuned into the importance and nuances of consent. They understand that playing with pain and power dynamics requires great responsibility and care. (More on this in a minute.) If you want to properly engage in kink or BDSM, you must follow suit.

The Basics of Consent

Here are some important consent ground rules to follow:

• Your partner must clearly affirm their desire to engage in sexual activities with you. In other words, a lack of a “no” is not a “yes.”
• Your partner must consent to every single activity that you engaged in together. Saying “yes” to having intercourse doesn’t imply that someone is also saying “yes” to being slapped in the face.
• I like using the term “enthusiastic consent,” which means that not only is your partner willing to engage in these activities with you, but they’re also excited about it.
• Your partner consents willingly, without pressure or coercion.
• Consent can be revoked at any time.

Consent Can Be Sexy

Some people fear that having conversations about consent “kills the mood.” But consent doesn’t have to mean sitting down and drafting a legal contract with your partner! It can be incredibly erotic to detail what you want to do to each other. (And hey, if you find a contract erotic, more power to you.)

Know Your Ropes

As I mentioned above, many more people have been experimenting with kink and BDSM post-50 Shades of Grey. That’s fantastic! But it’s also important to recognise that there’s a good amount of responsibility that goes along with being kinky. Engaging in pain play and domination requires education and skill.

Choking is a good example. Choking someone in bed might seem like a relatively straightforward thing to do, but there’s actually a lot of technique behind it. There are certain ways you want to hold your hand, and certain parts of the neck that you can and can’t exert any pressure on. (In case you’re curious, you always want to gently squeeze the sides of the neck, but never the front.)

If you want to engage in pain play, dominate your partner, or use props, make sure you do your research first. Don’t ask for consent for an activity that you don’t know how to do safely.

Keep Checking In

It’s important to keep paying attention to your partner, even if they have given consent to something. Your partner might have enthusiastically consented to trying something with you, but then not feel quite so enthusiastic once the two of you are in the middle of it. Keep an eye out for your partner’s body language, facial expressions, and eye contact, and of course listen to their words. If you start to suspect that your partner is uncomfortable, check in with them. Ask how they’re doing. Ask if they need anything from you. Ask if they want to continue, or if they want to switch to something else.

Be Careful with Alcohol

Alcohol can make it so much more difficult to have the mature, adult conversations necessary for having sex. If you’re having sex with a partner for the first few times, try to keep your drinking to a minimum.

If you’re doing pain play, or using restraints or any other serious equipment, I highly recommend staying sober. As the receiver, it’s important to be able to pay attention to your body’s signals, and let your partner know when you’re nearing your limit. As the giver, you need to be tuned into your partner’s experiences, and you need to ensure you’re lucid enough to know how to untie restraints or remove a gag.

At the end of the day, consent really isn’t all that difficult. Treat yourself and your partners with care and respect, and be the kind of sexual partner you want to have in return.