The Dos and Don’ts of Texting in a New Relationship

While texting often is looked down upon when it comes to developing a new relationship with someone, it can be a useful tool when first getting to know someone. It’s a great way to flirt and helps to foster connection and intimacy. Plus, it’s an easy way to show someone you’re thinking of them. That is, when it’s used in an effective way.

According to Laurel House, one of eharmony’s relationship experts, communication over text or dating apps should be limited to confirming a time and location of the first date as well as thanking your date for a great time and setting the next date. “And if there is more than a week before the next date, texting or messaging on a dating app can be used to schedule a phone date,” she says. “After two dates, once you have gotten to know one another better in person, texting can be used to expand and deepen the connection, creating conversation starters that you can dig into in person, as well as talking about topics that might feel intimidating to discuss face to face.”

Below, House shares her tips on the dos and don’ts of making texting work for your new relationship.

The texting DOs in a new relationship

Text them before they have a big meeting.

Or a tough conversation, or any other thing that they might have shared with you on your date that they might be a bit nervous about. “This text is meant to show that you care, you’re thinking about them, and you have their back,” House says.

Text when you are away doing something fun without them… but only once.

“Send a text while you’re out of town,” House suggests. “They don’t need a play-by-play of what you’re doing but it’s nice to know you’re thinking about them. Here’s an example: ‘Just had a great afternoon surfing with my friends. Now we are heading for drinks. I hope your day has been great too!’”

Text a picture of something special they mentioned on your date.

“If they mentioned that they love watermelon gum, take and text a pic of a pack of watermelon gum if you notice it at the grocery store,” House says. But, she cautions, only do this sparingly and not every time you see something that reminds you of them. Here’s an example: “I was at the checkout stand at the supermarket today and I happened to notice your favourite flavour of gum. Made me think of you… Hope you’re having a great day.”

Play “two truths and a lie.”

House recommends amplifying a text conversation with a fun game that digs into some substance at the same time with “two truths and a lie.”

“You can make it deep or light,” she says. “The point is to be revealing and create conversation topics for when you talk on the phone or in person next.”

Here’s an example of how to set this up: “I was thinking today about how excited I am to get to know each other a little better. So in preparation for our date, let’s give each other a little teaser to ponder…. Let’s play Two truths and a lie: [insert your two truths and a lie]. What’s the lie? What about you?”

Send a link to an article you think they will find interesting.

“Even better, send an article that is about a topic that will benefit them — maybe in preparation for a meeting they mentioned or ahead of a tough conversation they said they’re dreading,” House says.

Send a link to a song on YouTube.

Plus a reason why it made you think of them. “We love to expand our playlists,” she says. “Just be intentional with the song choice so your partner doesn’t overanalyze the lyrics.”

The texting DON’Ts in a new relationship

• Don’t use text as your mode to get to know each other before the second date. That should be done over a dating app, the phone, and in person.
• Don’t text in a friendly, check-in, “how’s your day” way until after your second date.
• Don’t immediately jump to text after only one or two online dating exchanges. Get to know each other better on the dating app first.
• Don’t drunk text.
• Don’t check-in daily, (i.e., “good morning” or “good night”), until you have been on several dates and only if they reciprocate.
• Don’t ask them to entertain you. “I’m bored, tell me something funny,” or anything similar is not their responsibility. “They might be in the middle of something important and you are texting saying that you’re bored and need them to entertain you,” House says. “Major turn off.”
• Don’t over-text. “Meaning you consistently send several texts before their reply.”
• Don’t text novels. Keep the messages short.
• Don’t sext until your relationship has progressed (and you’ve received consent).

Additionally, when it comes to building your relationship via text, House recommends the following formula: ask, share, ask, in order to create interesting and engaged conversations. “Ask a question. Share your story or insight around it, circle around with the question asked again but in a different way.