17 Unscary ‘Horror’ Movies For Halloween Wimps

17 Unscary ‘Horror’ Movies For Halloween Wimps

For a lot of people, Halloween is a confusing time, the time of year when all their previously sane friends choose to scare themselves silly and call it fun. I get it: many movie watchers aren’t excited by the prospect of subjecting themselves to disturbing images that cause them to feel bad feelings for 80–120 minutes. But just because you may be a big horror wimp, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to celebrate what is arguably fall’s spookiest holiday (turkeys are scary). We’ve highlighted Halloween movies that are not too scary to watch with your kids, but what about when the kids have gone to bed?

Now, I’m not going to pretend to be one of you. I love scary movies. But if you’re a movie scaredy-cat, a cinema coward, or just generally a big baby about your entertainment, here are some movies that will help you get into the Halloween spirit without scaring your pants off.

What We Do in the Shadows (2014)

I’m a sucker for vampire jokes (hence that pun). This horror-mockumentary follows vampire housemates (Jemaine Clement, Taika Waititi, Jonathan Brugh) coping with the complexities of modern life and showing a newly turned hipster (Cori Gonzalez-Macuer) some of the perks of being undead. And once you watch the film, make sure to watch all three seasons of the spin-off series on Hulu; it’s just the the film, but there’s more of it, which is a very good thing.

Where to stream: Prime Video, Youtube, Google Play, Apple TV

Jennifer’s Body (2009)

It’s your classic feminist romp: hot teen Jennifer (Meghan Fox) gets possessed by a demon and her needy friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) — so called because she’s, well — tries to stop her from eating all the boys in school. This campy, darkly funny film has gone from flop to cult fave to wider acceptance (it’s currently streaming on highbrow cinema haven The Criterion Channel) in recent years; many have noted how the #MeToo movement provided a new lens through which to understand what Jennifer’s body actually means for Jennifer. Also it really is funny.

Where to stream: Disney+, Google Play, Apple TV, Prime Video

Twilight (2008)

About three things I am absolutely positive: First, Twilight started off as an ironic thing for me. Second, there is a part of me — and I don’t know how dominant that part might be — that genuinely enjoys the movies. And third, Twilight is unconditionally and irrevocably a Halloween watch.

Where to stream: Foxtel Go, Google Play, Apple TV

Clue (1985)

Based on the game of the same name, Clue was a box office bomb that has since rightly become a cult classic. The true mystery is how critics and audiences in 1985 didn’t recognise the comedic genius in every second of this film’s gifs, gags, and grandeur (and I’m not just talking about Tim Curry’s performance). Plus, like a game with multiple outcomes, the movie comes with three alternative endings (though they might have had something to do with its box office failure, the whole thing works better at home).

Where to stream: Prime Video, Google Play, Apple TV

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

If you really, truly can’t stand scary movies, this once might not be for you. But The Cabin in the Woods isn’t like most scary movies–except for the ways in which it’s exactly like all of them. Without giving too much away, I’ll just say that it is very funny in the most unexpected ways. I won’t spoil anything else, but I promise that this one is better than you’re expecting.

Where to stream: Stan, Apple TV, Prime Video, Google Play

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

Luckily, they made more than one of these. Not even the vampires of the Volturi are as scary as–drumroll please–depression. That scene where the camera pans around an essentially comatose Bella while the months relentlessly pass by? Chilling.

Where to stream: Stan, Foxtel Go, Apple TV

Hocus Pocus (1993)

One of the most culturally critical Halloween watches of our time. Starring Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy at their comedic bests, Hocus Pocus is spooky fun for the whole family. The only truly frightening thing might be the constant focus on the teen protagonist being a virgin. Yeah, this was also on our list of not-so-scary movies for kids. Age is just a concept, you know?

Where to stream: Disney+, Prime Video, Apple TV, Google Play

Zombieland (2009)

An awkward Jesse Eisenberg (redundant) joins forces a gun-toting tough-guy (Woody Harrelson) and a clever pair of sisters (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin) in a trek across a zombie-filled America. Come for all the action-packed zombie fights. Stay for Woody Harrelson’s search for that damn Twinkie.

Where to stream: Netflix, Prime Video, Apple TV

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Can I be honest with you? I haven’t even seen this one.

Where to stream: Stan, Foxtel Go, Apple TV

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

When London becomes infested with zombies, this band of unlikely heroes must do what it takes to survive get to their local pub. It’s peak British-horror-comedy…need I say more?

Where to stream: Stan, Apple TV, Prime Video, Google Play

The Craft (1996)

For a film about witchcraft, the scariest element might be the perils of toxic friendship. (There’s a sequel/remake thing too, but don’t watch that one.)

Where to stream: Apple TV, Prime Video, Google Play

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)

One of the scariest experiences of all time is watching helplessly as a young couple rushes into marriage.

Where to stream: Stan, Foxtel Go, Apple TV, Google Play

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

Another iconic Tim Curry performance, another cult classic! This 1975 movie is simple, really. As Roger Ebert put it, it’s a “horror-rock-transvestite-camp-omnisexual-musical parody.” If I were to add anything, I would mention that it’s just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right. And with your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight. (But it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane).

Alright, FINE! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

Where to stream: Disney+, Google Play, Apple TV, Prime Video

Coraline (2009)

Wait. This movie is bone-chilling. It should not be on this list. Please ignore!

Where to stream: Google Play, Apple TV

Warm Bodies (2013)

Forbidden romance between zombie and zombie hunter. A zombie romcom. A zomcom?

Where to stream: Stan, Foxtel Go, Apple TV, Prime Video

Beetlejuice (1988)

Reviews of the classic film Beetlejuice include phrases like “brilliantly bizarre,” “deliciously manic,” and “creepy, funny fun for the whole family.” The star-studded cast includes Geena Davis, Alec Baldwin, Catherine O’Hara, Jeffrey Jones, Winona Ryder, and Michael Keaton as the titular Beetlejuice. Who doesn’t love Beetlejuice? Wait, shit!

Where to stream: Stan, Netflix, Foxtel Go, Google Play, Apple TV, Prime Video

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)

The only thing scarier than the animatronic baby Renesmee? The sloppy portmanteau behind her name. (Plus, my editor informed me that there’s a tourist trap in the real forks where you can go see the remains of the robot baby they originally planned to use until they realised it was too terrifying for a PG-13 rating).

Where to stream: Stan, Foxtel Go, Apple TV, Google Play

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