How to Have More Sex

How to Have More Sex
Photo: Stacey Newman, Shutterstock

You’re a busy person. You have a job, maybe more than one. You have a family, friends, hobbies, worries, and all kinds of unique responsibilities. It can be hard to find the time to fit it all in, but you still need to find time to get it in, if you catch the drift here. Whether you’re single or coupled-up, here are a few strategies to help you have more sex.

Get yourself in the right headspace

Is your self-confidence getting in the way of your getting it on? If so, first of all, remember that you’re hot and great just as you are! Still, you can use this quest to have more sex as a good stepping stone to make some other positive changes in your life.

“You have to [feel] at your best,” said New York City-based artist Sucklord, who said he set his all-time sex-having record last summer. “…You have to be socially engaging. You have to be doing something with your life.”

Essentially, he said, you can’t be, “a miserable piece of shit that nobody wants to talk to.”

You probably aren’t! However, the message here is clear: Get right with yourself in other areas of your life before you go searching for fulfilment through more frequent sex.

You don’t have to have a perfect life, but you need the confidence that comes from feeling like you have a handle on things. Become the best version of yourself so you feel peaceful when you’re alone and you will attract more people who want to be with you.

Be ok being alone or in a sex drought

Sex droughts are a thing — for coupled-up people and single people. Sometimes, you’re just going to hit a dry spell, and that’s ok. If nothing else, it will help you appreciate intimacy all the more once you get it back.

“The best hack is being content by yourself. If your whole approach to dating is filling some hole [because] you’re coming from some sense of incompletion, you’re going to stay that way,” Sucklord said.

“But if you have a sense of completion within yourself and you don’t really need anybody, that’s when you become more valid and you have something more to offer because you’re coming from a place of confidence.”

That’s all fair and true, but what about when you’re not out on the prowl so much as in a stable — if stagnant — relationship?

Talk to your partner about wanting to have more sex

ABC, babe: Always be communicating.

If you’re in a relationship and don’t think the frequency of your romps is sufficient, you could try to initiate sexy time with your partner, but those efforts might be met with mixed results.

You have to get to the root of the issue first, which means you may need to have an uncomfortable conversation. It doesn’t have to be uncomfy, of course, but if you’re not used to talking about these things, it might be. Be honest, wait for a relaxed moment, and tell them your needs aren’t being met and you’d like to explore options for ramping things up.

Lay on some (honest) flattery: Tell them you love being intimate with them and want to do it more often, so you can work together to find a schedule and routine that works for you both.

If they aren’t feeling interested in sex, talk about why. If that doesn’t work, more serious conversations are in order — the problem here could be that you two aren’t super sexually compatible or that other parts of the relationship are breaking down.

And if you want more sex but aren’t into having it with your partner, don’t lie about it. Your key to more sex might be discussing opening up the relationship, or breaking it off and looking elsewhere. (If that’s the case, refer to steps 1 and 2 above and start again.)

Commit to the sexy quest

If you talk to your partner and find you’re aligned in the mission to get it on more, great. The next step is to figure out what that looks like with your busy lives. It’s not exactly sexy to schedule these things out, but that’s what you might have to do.

Set aside a certain time for this special activity, then stick to your plan. Soon, it will become less a regimented thing than something you look forward to as a natural part of your week. You can also use this time to chat about new positions you both may be interested in trying out (a yes/no/maybe list is a good idea in this case).

If you’re single, on the other hand, you still need to commit to the quest. Prepare yourself before a night out. Pack condoms. Make sure your bed is made and your home is clean. Get tested regularly. Create a space and a situation that welcomes the possibility of boundless hookups into your life.

And also, don’t forget solo sex can be a pretty damn great time, too.

This article has been updated since its original publish date.

Log in to comment on this story!