How to Still Have Great Sex When You Don’t Feel Very Sexy

Even when you’re not feeling your hottest, your partner in a good relationship is still attracted to you. It can feel unbelievable, but it’s true. It doesn’t matter if you’re feeling uneasy about your looks, if you’re going through a sad period, or you have a health issue — there are plenty of reasons you might feel un-sexy, and your unique reasons can make you not want to show that part of yourself to someone else. You can overcome it, though. Here’s how to work through your feelings of un-sexiness and get it on.

Remember you’re not alone

You’re far from the only person who’s ever had an issue in the bedroom, whether it’s because you’re unhappy with yourself or physically can’t perform.

“Men and women who seek help for low libido often wonder why something that dominated their younger lives has diminished or vanished altogether,” said Jim Staheli D.O., medical director of Hone Health. He pointed out that some studies have shown up to 33% of people experience some form of sexual dysfunction.

See? You’re not alone.

He also pointed out that “causation varies,” but there are a variety of ways you can combat this sort of issue, including lifestyle changes, hormone replacement therapy, talk therapy, medication, and more.

There wouldn’t be such a wide variety of available resources and options if this problem weren’t pretty widespread, now, would there? Take comfort in knowing plenty of people have gone through this and that you’re in a position to overcome it, too.

Talk yourself down, if it’s rooted in insecurity

Maybe your problem isn’t physical so much as it’s rooted in insecurity — which is totally normal. Getting down on your looks or bedroom abilities happens to the best of us, but you should remember that your partner is never judging you as harshly as you’re judging yourself.

If you put on a little weight, had a breakout, or are getting through a dry spell, you might be worried about how you appear to them, but they’re almost definitely not worried about how you look or perform. They’re probably just excited to be getting intimate with someone — maybe especially you — and you should embrace that approach, too.

Generally, people really don’t care about the physical stuff — at least not in relation to connection and more emotional elements of a hookup or partnership. A new Medzino survey of over 1,000 people found that 71% of women consider personality a top quality for attracting a sexual partner, and 49% list humour. Just 46% list sexual performance, and even fewer — just 34%! — list looks. Fulfilling sex, according to the women surveyed, has less to do with stamina and experience than it does with confidence. But foreplay is even more important than all of that.

Men also noted that personality is the most important quality for attracting a sexual partner, followed by confidence. Again, looks and sexual performance were much lower on the list.

Interest in physical attractiveness even declined year over year, according to a different study from Match.com. The annual Singles in America study surveyed over 5,000 single people in the US, finding that emotional maturity far outranks physical attractiveness as a quality people want in a partner. Yes, 78% of singles said physical attractiveness is an important quality in a partner — but that’s actually down from 90% just last year.

It isn’t for us to say why that is. Maybe people got introspective — or less picky — during the pandemic lockdowns. Who knows? It is, however, our job to share the stats with you, and the numbers look good.

How to talk it out with your partner

You should feel comfortable talking to a partner about anything, but that’s easier said than done. After all, you don’t feel comfortable getting intimate with them physically, so it isn’t hard to imagine you feel weird about getting intimate with them conversationally. Still, you really should.

If you’re feeling down on yourself and it’s impacting your sex life, you deserve to work through it with them for your own sake, but they also deserve to know what’s going on with you. If you’re constantly trying to get out of sack sessions, you could be hurting their feelings or confusing them. An open, honest conversation about how you feel is likely to help you both reach some conclusions and find some solutions. It won’t hurt you to hear straight from them that they still find you attractive and want to be with you. If there are issues there, you can work on fun ways to overcome them together.

Don’t wait until the heat of the moment to have this conversation. Bring it up calmly, maybe over dinner or while you’re relaxing. Be clear about how you’ve been feeling, tell them that your sexual avoidance isn’t their fault, and accept whatever they tell you about their read on your intimacy without getting defensive.

Finally, avoid the urge to implement bandage-type solutions. Don’t just bang with the lights off or keep putting off intimacy. Don’t keep this to yourself and stay miserable. Solve the root cause so you can get back to having fun in the bedroom like you should be.