The Out-of-Touch Adults’ Guide To Kid Culture: What Happened to OnlyFans?

The Out-of-Touch Adults’ Guide To Kid Culture: What Happened to OnlyFans?
Photo: CRISTIAN HERNANDEZ / Contributor, Getty Images

This week’s internet features a scolding pee doctor, a porn site that banned porn, and some hugegungous waves. (Kids are into some weird shit.)

TikTok Doctor: Don’t pee in the shower

In a recent video, TikTok doctor (TikTokTor?) Alicia Jeffery-Thomas caused a minor internet dust-up by detailing bad urination habits. Among them: Peeing in the shower. Jeffery-Thomas, a certified pelvic floor physical therapist, says that peeing in the shower could condition you like one of Pavlov’s dogs to let loose whenever you hear running water. This makes visits to local fountains embarrassing. Plus, according to the doc, standing in the shower is not an optimum pee-position for those lacking prostate glands.

Jeffery-Thomas’s warning against shower pees led to hundreds of defiant comments on TikTok like, “Imma be real here. Imma keep peein in the shower,” “I’m just tryna to save water. It’s not that deep,” and “Wrong. It’s mind over bladder.”

Because it is not expressly forbidden by Dr. Alicia “Pee Police” Jeffery-Thomas, I will continue to pee in your pool.

OnlyFans puts the brakes on sexually explicit content

In the most surprising corporate tech announcement since McDonald’s announced it wasn’t selling burgers, content-sharing site OnlyFans announced it will prohibit users from posting sexually explicit content. Instead of serving the fans of internet-sex workers that currently make up almost all the site’s 130 million visitors, OnlyFans aims to become a forum for “musicians, fitness instructors and chefs.” (I guess there aren’t enough musicians, fitness instructors and chefs on YouTube.)

While nudity will not be prohibited on the site, more, uh, extreme forms of content will no longer be in keeping with Only Fans TOS, beginning in October.

The switcheroo is due to pressure from banking partners and payment providers, who apparently are leery of being such a huge part of the pornography industry. According to Bloomberg, OnlyFans is “trying to raise money from outside investors at a valuation of more than $US1 ($1) billion.”

I’m no financial expert, but OnlyFans may have to start an OnlyFans to make ends meet.

This week in video games: You got your Among Us in my Fortnite

Fortnite introduced a brand-new game mode this week, but it seems strangely familiar. “Impostor” is a dead ringer for Among Us. Games “borrowing” from other games is hardly new, but Fortnite’s new mode seems particularly egregious — it’s exactly like Among Us, right down to the terminology, the game mechanics, and even the maps.

Marcus Bromander, co-founder of the company that made Among Us tweeted, “We didn’t patent the Among Us mechanics. I don’t think that leads to a healthy game industry. Is it really that hard to put 10% more effort into putting your own spin on it though?”

Shots, as they say, fired.

TikTok trend of the week: Snitching

I’m from the old school, where snitches either got stitches or ended up in ditches, but kids today are actually cool with snitching. At least, the TikTok users who make up the SnitchTok-verse are.

Here’s what they’re up to: They scour other people’s online footprints for questionable content — having an affair, bragging about sexual exploits, partying too hard, etc. — then make videos where they expose these ne’re-do-wells to their spouses, parents, friends, and employers. Fun. Here are some creepy examples.

It’s one thing to expose racists and criminals through internet videos, but telling someone’s mum when they post a slightly sexy video? Come on, younger people.

College kid posts through the fall of Afghanistan

Lord Miles Routledge found himself in a “bit of a pickle” last week: The British University student says he was vacationing in Afghanistan (like you do) and got caught up in the Taliban takeover of the nation. Stranded in the war-torn nation, Routledge posted through it like a true member of Gen-Z, bravely putting up videos on Facebook and Twitch, and updating threads of 4Chan throughout his turbulent week.

If you believe his story, Routledge (who isn’t really a Lord — long story) arrived in Kabul on August 13, posting, “Decided to pop down to Afghanistan for a few days, never been here before,” on 4chan on Friday. “Just goofing off and soaking in the sun. Seems more peaceful than London to me.”

“The intelligence agencies show that the capital may be taken over in 30 days; however not in a few days,” he wrote on Sunday. “If I get proven wrong and die, edit a laughing soundtrack over my posts. It’ll be funny I think.”

It wasn’t that funny when Routledge failed to get a flight out of town, had knives pulled on him, and was forced to hide out in a safe house, leading to 12 hours of social media darkness and online speculation that he’d been killed or captured.

Happily, Routledge ended up being evacuated to Dubai. “I’m fine. Got Evacuated at 4ish (it’s 2am now) with 100 or so other civilians,” he posted. “The Taliban let us go through the airport and we met many of them…everyone was smiling and waving at one another, some took selfies with them.”

All of this could be an elaborate troll, complete with photos and receipts, but if it is, it’s a very good troll, and maybe a fake happy ending is the best we’re going to get out of Afghanistan for a while.

Viral video of the week: Gnarly waves in Tahiti

Before the internet, I would have had no way of knowing the surf conditions at the Polynesian village of Teahupoʻo in Tahiti, but thanks to YouTube, I know that the waves on Friday the 13th were absolutely monstrous. I’m talking ripping up buoys and breaking over the marina kind of huge. Cowabunga! (Surfers totally say that, brah.)

Teahupoʻo swells are considered the fastest, heaviest, and most dangerous waves on earth — you can’t even catch them without being towed in by a jet ski — but big waves surfers rode them anyway, bringing back amazing video of death defiance for me to enjoy from the safety of my desk as I eat a personal pizza. Watching lunatics ride waves the size of buildings is just amazing. Check it out… if you dare.

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