How to Get a Baby to Like You

If you’re like me, then you have consciously made the decision to avoid all people under the age of 25. However, sometimes you get stuck in a room with a tiny baby that just wants to cry and drool and who can sense that your biggest fear is them pooping on you.

Luckily, we are smart adults and can easily outsmart a dumb baby into liking us. After all, babies know literally nothing, and we know at least something, so let’s get them to smile and giggle and love us unconditionally.

First, get them to recognise your face. Babies can easily recognise contrast, so put on some thick-rimmed glasses (or better yet, sunglasses) to help them identify who you are. If you are able, growing a beard also helps them recognise your face. While we’re on the topic of contrast, wear some clothes they can appreciate — black and white for infants, and bright primary colours for toddlers. They also like anything that rattles or makes noise, so add some jangly jewellery that you can easily snap off and let them shake around.

Then bring some items that will establish you as the bringer of fun. An empty box is a great, safe thing they want to play with that inexplicably is not fun to us grown ups. If there’s a friendly dog around, bring them over and let the baby chase them or pet their fur, just make sure they don’t hurt each other. You can also park them in front of a mirror so they think they have another baby to play with (Wow! Babies are dumb!). This will work until the baby is about 18 months old.

And if all else fails, just play peek-a-boo. It’ll keep them happy and not crying until they poop. By then, you should be able to leave quickly.