Screw Those Kids, Eat All the Lollies Yourself

This month — the month of Halloween — has been chock full of hand wringing and fretting, some of it centred around trick-or-treating and the children. People are (rightly) concerned about handing lollies to kids in the safest way possible, but they’re also worried about the lasting trauma that a lack of trick-or-treating might inflict. (I think they’ll get over it.) And, though this very site has come up with some clever workarounds and activities to make Halloween safer this year, I’ll be taking a much simpler approach by eating all the lollies myself.

This may seem cold, even cruel, but there has never been a better excuse to hoard all the lollies (even the full-size bars!), and I, for one, will be taking advantage of it. I mean, as a communist, I love a handout, but it really is a matter of health and safety (and a desire to eat all the lollies). Kids are gross and germ-y on their very best days, and I simply do not wish to be near them during a pandemic, even with a lolly chute betwixt us. (Also, I want to eat all of their lollies.)

I must admit that I also live in an apartment, so hiding from children while hoarding chocolate is very easy for me.

Usually I go over to my boyfriend’s house and help him hand it out, but this year I really am saying “fuck those kids” and hiding in my little studio. If you, like my boyfriend, also live in a house that attracts a stream of children asking for free lollies (that you’d rather eat yourself), you can always cover for yourself with one of last year’s Evil Week hacks, and set out an empty bowl. It will feel slightly evil, but getting COVID would feel worse. I’m just mitigating risks where I can (and also eating all of the lollies).