Mixing Mayo and Saltines Is Not as Bad as It Should Be

There is no denying the fact that I am very white. Look at me — my face looks like an uncooked roll. And look at how much I write about mayonnaise. The evidence is damning. That’s why, when parenting editor Meghan Walbert dropped the following “snack” suggestion into Slack, I knew I was in a certain kind of trouble. The kind of trouble that reveals my true nature.

Mayo and saltines make a slightly off-putting combo, sure to elicit a visceral reaction from anyone who gazes upon or hears of it. Each ingredient is fairly innocuous, but we’re used to seeing them with something else. The issue is more with the mayo than it is with the saltine. Mayo isn’t supposed to be a main ingredient — she’s a chorus girl! — and the notion of seeing the jiggly, pale condiment isolated on an equally pale cracker is unsettling.

Anyway, I have tried saltines with mayo now (both Russian quail egg mayo and Kewpie), and I hate how much I didn’t hate it. Visually, it still squeaks me out. It looks unfinished, anemic, desperate. It’s screams “Great Depression.” But — much like the peanut butter and pickle sandwich of that era — it’s less upsetting once it’s in your mouth.

You can watch the drama unfold in the video below but I’ll tell you this: it’s not the worst sad snack I’ve ever had. Saltines are crunchy and salty, but mild enough to highlight mayonnaise’s creamy, tangy qualities. I wouldn’t serve it to anyone. I wouldn’t even eat it in front of anyone. But no one’s around much these days — except my boyfriend, and he already knows what I am.