How to Check on Your Mate’s Mental Health

The past few years have been hard. There’s no sugarcoating that one. Between the pain caused by a global pandemic, the anxiety brought on by health worries, the rising cost of living and broad-spread burnout, it would be surprising if you haven’t had a difficult moment or two lately. R U OK Day (September 8) is centred on bringing more attention to that.

While there shouldn’t only be one day per year where we check in on one another, if R U OK Day reminds you to have a conversation, that’s as good a place to start as any.

Considering one in six Aussies experience depression or anxiety (or both) each year — you know it’s likely someone you’re friends with or related to might be suffering, too.

While there are thankfully a fair few resources available for folks struggling with their mental health, it is always a good idea to check in on those close to you if you’re concerned they may be doing it tough.

Understandably, however, conversations like these can seem daunting – on R U OK Day and beyond. If you’re unsure where to begin, allow us to help. Here are some tips that may help you get started.

R U OK Day – how to start a conversation

While your mate receiving professional help is an important step, what comes before shouldn’t be overshadowed either. It’s that first, meaningful conversation that can really help a friend out, and it starts with a simple “how are doing?”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed about asking someone about their mental health, just know all you need to do is listen and not force your mate to do anything or feel anything they’re not ready for. According to Beyond Blue, there are three easy steps to having a conversation.

1. Ask if they want to talk about it. It might be that they don’t want to and that’s ok too. Maybe you’re not the right person for them to talk to, but you can make some suggestions.
2. Listen. Silence may seem awkward at first but think of it as a chance for both of you to gather your thoughts. If you’re finding it difficult to understand what they’re talking about, it’s okay to ask them to explain further.
3. Support is the most important thing you can offer and if they refuse, help them explore their options for how they could begin to feel better.

Some useful tips to consider on R U OK Day and beyond

We spoke with Lysn psychologist Nancy Sokarno who was generous enough to share her top tips on what to do if you’re worried a loved one may not be okay.

Here’s what she said.

1. Consider your timing and location:
   
   “Before having a conversation with someone about any concerns surrounding mental health, be sure to consider your timing and location. Asking someone about their mental health in a room full of people or within earshot of colleagues or family members is not advised. Instead, choose a location that is private, so they are more likely to open up to you without fear of judgement. Also, ensure that you have this conversation when you both have time to talk – try not to do it as someone is rushing out the door or right before bed,” Sokarno shared.
2. Open up the lines of communication:
   
   “The first step to bringing up the conversation can be incredibly difficult, but the best way to approach it is to see how they have been going. Sometimes just asking that question, whether it be ‘R U OK’ or ‘how have things been lately’ can be a great place to start. It’s ok to provide that question [with] some context, such as saying you have noticed they have looked a little down lately and you wanted to see if you might be able to help in any way. In all instances, try to treat the conversation as a very natural topic to talk about.”
3. Reassure them:
   
   “Try to reassure your loved one that everyone goes through ups and downs at times, and it’s ok to have a bad day here and there. Let them know that what they are going through is completely normal, and be sure to validate their feelings. Try to avoid minimising how they feel by saying things like ‘you’ll be right’ and ‘cheer up’.”Instead, reassure them that you’re there if they need to talk and that help is available should they need it. Be sure to use ‘I’ statements such as ‘I have noticed some changes lately’ rather than ‘you’ statements which can sometimes come across as blaming statements, thus making your loved one feel isolated or as though they have done something wrong.”
4. Avoid judgements:“Ensure your conversation is always open-minded and non-judgmental. Any hint of judgement can be a surefire way to make someone close up and not want to talk. Also, make sure your loved ones know that if they don’t feel comfortable talking to you, there are other people they can turn to (you can suggest a friend, loved one or expert in this instance). The important thing is to re-iterate that there are support networks available to help them.”
5. Set boundaries:“When supporting a loved one with mental health concerns, it is important that you support yourself as well by setting boundaries (if you feel they’re needed). Sometimes boundaries need to be set to ensure that your own mental well-being is protected. Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and our relationships. It is deciding how we’d like to be treated, how other people can behave around us, and what they can expect from us.

   “Understanding each other’s boundaries is important as you need to know each other’s emotional limits and know when not to cross the line. There will be times when your loved ones need to be left alone or times when they will rely on your strength and support. Understanding how your loved one’s personality operates will help you manage your relationship with them and know how to act when these types of situations arise. This understanding will enable you to know when to retreat, when to be honest and when to intrude for the sake of supporting them.”

Ultimately, Sokarno shared that if you’re concerned about a loved one’s mental health, it’s important you suggest they consider maybe speaking with a professional for some guidance. And in extreme circumstances where you’re worried about their safety, please call 000.

More resources to consider

It may not be common knowledge, but there are mental health first aid courses available in Australia to help you help someone out. They can teach you how to assist a loved one experiencing a mental health or substance use-related crisis, what to say and what the warning signs are until you can get them to turn for help.

If you know a mate who might need mental health support, refer them to a psychologist who does telehealth appointments, like Lysn. If they’re not ready to talk on the phone, there are also services available that offer chat support.

Another particularly useful resource is an online self-development course offered by The Indigo Project in Sydney, Get Your Sh*t Together. It’s $50 for 10 virtual sessions complete with over 250+ minutes of video content, plus activities, journaling exercises, immersive audio experiences, guided meditations, custom playlists and more.

It’s a great introduction to thinking about the power of introspection and possibly seeking out support in the therapy room.

If you or someone you love is struggling, support is always available. There are people just on the other side of the phone waiting to speak to you — just call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636.

This article on R U OK Day and mental health support has been updated since its original publish date.