Use A Squeeze Bottle As A DIY Bidet

I don’t know about you, but I am running out of toilet paper. I only have two rolls left in my cabinet, and my local grocery store has nothing but empty shelves. There wasn’t any toilet paper when I last visited the grocery store in person, two weeks ago—and when I put in an online order this week, which gives me the option of requesting any available item in a certain category, there were no items available in the toilet paper category.

Which means it’s time to get creative. My toilet does not have a bidet attachment, but I am familiar with the general concept and have used water exclusively in the past (when I was in grad school, I spent a semester teaching Shakespeare at the University of Hyderabad, in India) so I knew that all I really needed was a good way to aim a moderately forceful stream of water at my nether regions.

Enter the bike bottle. The squishy kind with the nozzle on the top, so you can squeeze a stream of water directly into your mouth as you ride. Turns out you can aim that stream of water towards a few other parts of the body as well—and it really works. You might have to do some bending and shifting to get yourself and the bottle at exactly the right angle, but you can figure that part out on your own.

Then, just do what you might do if you were using a standard bidet: get yourself clean in all the right places, sit over the toilet until you stop dripping, use a tiny bit of toilet paper to pat yourself dry if you really want to (I haven’t been doing that, in an attempt to save my toilet paper supply for a true TP emergency) and go back about your day. In some cases, you won’t even need to flush the toilet afterwards—but you will need to wash your hands. Every single time.

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If you don’t have a bike bottle, you might have another type of squeezy bottle that can work—and again, I’ll trust you to figure that part out yourself. To answer the other question I know you’re secretly anxious about: If you have the type of toilet experience that can’t be cleaned up with a single stream of water, you can always hop in the shower. (Some of us do that anyway, after those particular toilet experiences that even toilet paper can’t solve.)

And no, I probably won’t be drinking from this bike bottle ever again, even after the toilet paper supply has returned to normal. But at least it’s serving me well right now, if not quite for its intended purpose.

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