Find The Perfect Excuse For Every Embarrassing Corporate Data Leak

Sometimes I wonder why everyone isn’t getting hacked all the time. We’re all so bad at security, and there are so many people who know how to abuse it! And then I remember that we are getting hacked all the time.

Companies regularly dangle all our home addresses and passwords and phone numbers and credit card info out in the open, and someone grabs it. The companies try to hide it, but someone finds out, and the companies email out some not-even-trying excuse. To stop us from suing, they offer free credit monitoring. Free credit monitoring is the new thoughts and prayers.

So after you check the morning’s fresh updates from Have I Been Pwned?, try out this jokey excuse generator for data breaches: Why the Fuck Was I Breached? generates mad-libbed explanations for imagined data breaches, combining hackery phrases to describe the hack, the culprit, and the inadequate response from the company that didn’t protect your data. You’ll get excuses like:

The fucking technology whiz kids used unprecedented XSS vulnerabilities to force us to release this report.

But we have since watched the movie Hackers 8 times back to back, so it will never happen again.


The fucking foreign assets used cyborg bees to breach our high security servers.

But we have since put a rotating lock GIF on our website, so it will never happen again.

To generate another excuse, click the big blue button that says “Equifax already fucking used that one.”

Why the Fuck Was I Breached? (via Pinboard)


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