Should You Slice Bagels Like A Loaf Of Bread?

In our latest edition of “Hack or Wack”, we’re taking a look at this viral tweet from a St. Louis native:

Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit! pic.twitter.com/XNGbljtpYz

— Alek Krautmann (@AlekKrautmann) March 26, 2019

In the tweet, Krautmann asserts that he introduced his coworkers to this “St. Louis secret” of ordering bagels sliced into cross-sections like a loaf of bread.

Well. Maybe it should stay a secret.

If you are on the side of all that is good and true, you will note that this method results in many slices of irregular size, almost entirely eliminates the appeal of the bagel’s chewy outer crust, and results in sad little crostini that could be made out of any bread-like product.

Meanwhile, this G-d-forsaken “hack” has torn — or should I say sliced — our office apart. Some (wrong) members of the Lifehacker staff suggested that this idea is not a nightmarish hellscape, noting that this allows for smaller, easy-to-consume portions that will toast quickly and are more shareable.

But others have pointed out that smaller portions may result in over-consumption. You might eat 12 bagel/crostini/atrocities before realising that’s equivalent to two full bagels. (In this writer’s humble opinion, I don’t know how anyone could down even one of these without their body rejecting it on sheer principle.)

This is certainly the worst bagel take since Cynthia Nixon’s lox-on-a-cinnamon-raisin-bagel scandal, (which I’m pretty sure cost her the election).

It’s also worth pointing out that the sad bagels in the photo are from Panera Bread, which add another unfortunate schmear of irony to this story: The billionaire owners of Panera (as well as Einstein Bagels and Krispy Kreme) recently came into the news when addressing the company’s Nazi past.

Of course, no religion or group of people owns this delicacy, and people may do with their baked goods as they wish. But as a New Yorker who attended a high school with a daily mid-morning snack time called “bagel break,” I find this concept offensive. The fact that it eliminates all texture that makes the bagel appealing is offensive.

The fact that it comes from St. Louis is offensive. The fact that they ordered bagels from Panera is offensive. The fact that the person at Panera said “You want us to put bagels in the bread slicer? Okey dokey!” is offensive. This is the equivalent of a scoop of Temp Tee cream cheese thrown in your face, an egg cream poured over your head, and hot pastrami spilled all over the linoleum.

This, my friends, is wack.