From birth to age 34 I have been good at one sport, dodgeball, because until a few years ago I never topped 50kg. Now I’m ready to be good at a second sport: Horse (the basketball game, not the animal).
“Horse lacks essential aspects of real basketball, like running, defence or dribbling,” says Nick Greene at Slate (a site about why bad things are actually good). This is good, as I can’t run, defend or dribble. And “it is not merely a contest of shooting skill,” he says, which is good, as I can’t shoot.
Horse, he says, is mostly a mental game. He lists five tricks, all of which would insult any real athlete, all ideal for those of us who treat sports as an asymmetrical war.
For example, says Greene, make a closed-eyes shot, but cheat: “If you squint and bring your cheeks as close to your brow as possible, your eyes will look like they are firmly shut even if they happen to be open a smidge.” Basically act like the kid from the “annoying childhood friend” meme.
Go read the other four tips, they’re great! They have me pumped, and I’m ready to head out to my local basketball court and challenge some strangers. Quick question: Does horse involve shirts vs. skins?