How To End The Tyranny Of 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'

Image: 20th Century Fox

Today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. (AKA every office jerk's favourite day of the year.) If you're sick of hearing multiple exclamations of "shiver me timbers", "matey" and "arrrrr!", you need to take matters into your own hands. Here are some methods to kill vernacular piracy dead.

Proponents of Talk Like A Pirate Day insist it's just a bit of fun. Anyone who takes offence needs to lighten up and find a sense of humour.

A differing view, held by many, is that people who talk like pirates for "comedic" effect deserve to be executed underwater by a harpoon firing squad. (If they brought props along, said firing squad should purposely shoot to maim - the blood will attract man-eating sharks to finish the job.)

If you fall into the latter camp, here are some methods to shut down pesky pirate talk in your office forever.

Draw parallels to real-life piracy

Sternly remind the guy doing the peg-leg impression that piracy is no laughing matter. Modern piracy in international waters is a serious problem to the global economy with estimated financial losses of US$16 billion per year. It can also lead to the kidnapping and/or murder of innocent crew members. What's next — talk like a Nazi day?

Respond by "talking" like a ninja

This involves sneaking up behind them and silently chopping their head with a katana blade. (Or a rolled up piece of paper, if you prefer.)

Bore them to death with piracy factoids

Every time someone starts dropping consonants from their speech, regale them with your encyclopedic knowledge of piracy through the ages. (Be sure to pay particular attention to Maritime Law legislation as provided by the Piracy Act 1837 and the decline of the role of privateers under the Declaration of Paris in 1856.)

Become a parrot

Repeat everything they say back to them in a dead-eyed monotone. For added points, attempt to climb onto their shoulder at the same time.

Keelhaul the bastards

Keelhauling is a punishment that involves tying a victim to a rope looped beneath a ship, tossing them overboard and then dragging them under the ship's keel. This frequently results in severe lacerations from barnacles and death by drowning. Corporate boat hire is currently available in most Australian harbors.

This story has been updated since its original publication.


    You can fight it all you want but there comes a stage in everyone's life where you just have to conform...
    Yarr must embrace it!

    AAARRRR YE SCURVY KILLJOY. Ye must accept that talk like a pirate day be a damn fine time to talk like a pirate YARRRRRRR. Stop bein a damn wench. YARRRRRR.

      Not in front of the kids though! The language is rated YAAAAR! :-P

        YARRRRRRRR that aint no peg leg YARRRRRR

          O . O

          Think clean thoughts...
          Think clean thoughts...
          Think clean thoughts...
          Think clean thoughts...
          Think clean thoughts...

    Wow, what sort of jerk wrote this story?

    Maybe we need a counter article, How to spot the uptight office wanker with no sense of humour and how to get rid of them.

      I know right, let's shit on the people that want to have a bit of fun with their speech for one day in the year...

      Considering the amount of references to digital piracy...
      I think the CEO of Village Roadshow wrote this.

    I fully embrace me role as office jerk, but that aside...

    bin come to set the sails this day dressed as a scurvy pirate. Even went to an executive raid dressed as a scurvy pirate. Why? Becuase life's too short to worry 'bout stuffed-shirt dickheads who can't take a wee bit 'o a ruckas.

    Here be some statistics ye may find relevant based on me turnin' up to set the sails dressed like 'tis this day:

    Number 'o people offended = 0

    Number 'o people who have laughed, smiled, or had a small wee bit 'o joy brought to what would otherwise have be a regular dull Monday = around 400

    Last edited 19/09/16 12:44 pm

    Considering that my only knowledge of pirates was from watching the Captain Phillips movie, I'm very suprised there are enough people learning Somali to warrrant such an article.

    Last edited 19/09/16 2:07 pm

    Funny isn't it, pirates never spoke like Cornishmen on steroids until Robert Newton appeared in TV and movies. Now his accent has been adopted all over the planet. Why not Errol Flynn's accent as Captain Blood.

    Pirates did NOT talk like Robert Newton so stop it.

      Nay, where'd be the fun o' that? Do ye want to be takin' a long walk of a short plank, matey?

    Piggy hate...

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