Today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. (AKA every office jerk’s favourite day of the year.) If you’re sick of hearing multiple exclamations of “shiver me timbers”, “matey” and “arrrrr!”, you need to take matters into your own hands. Here are some methods to kill vernacular piracy dead.
Proponents of Talk Like A Pirate Day insist it’s just a bit of fun. Anyone who takes offence needs to lighten up and find a sense of humour.
A differing view, held by many, is that people who talk like pirates for “comedic” effect deserve to be executed underwater by a harpoon firing squad. (If they brought props along, said firing squad should purposely shoot to maim – the blood will attract man-eating sharks to finish the job.)
If you fall into the latter camp, here are some methods to shut down pesky pirate talk in your office forever.
Draw parallels to real-life piracy
Sternly remind the guy doing the peg-leg impression that piracy is no laughing matter. Modern piracy in international waters is a serious problem to the global economy with estimated financial losses of US$16 billion per year. It can also lead to the kidnapping and/or murder of innocent crew members. What’s next — talk like a Nazi day?
Respond by “talking” like a ninja
This involves sneaking up behind them and silently chopping their head with a katana blade. (Or a rolled up piece of paper, if you prefer.)
Bore them to death with piracy factoids
Every time someone starts dropping consonants from their speech, regale them with your encyclopedic knowledge of piracy through the ages. (Be sure to pay particular attention to Maritime Law legislation as provided by the Piracy Act 1837 and the decline of the role of privateers under the Declaration of Paris in 1856.)
Become a parrot
Repeat everything they say back to them in a dead-eyed monotone. For added points, attempt to climb onto their shoulder at the same time.
Keelhaul the bastards
Keelhauling is a punishment that involves tying a victim to a rope looped beneath a ship, tossing them overboard and then dragging them under the ship’s keel. This frequently results in severe lacerations from barnacles and death by drowning. Corporate boat hire is currently available in most Australian harbors.
This story has been updated since its original publication.