There’s one simple thing you can do to make sure you and your partner are sexually satisfied for life – and you’d be surprised at how few couples actually do it.
Masturbating in front of your partner while they watch you isn’t just sexy, it’s the most informative sex lesson you’ll get. The only, absolutely guaranteed way to find out how your partner likes to be brought to orgasm manually, is to watch them do it to themselves.
Too embarrassed to demonstrate? Close your eyes as you’re doing it.
I don’t care if you’re dying behind those eyelids, the benefits of doing this so outweigh the angst. So take a deep breath and get on with it. While you’re watching one another, there are some key things it’s worth paying special attention to.
Where he places his hand at the very start:
This is crucial. Adopting the exact position of his hand and fingers is the key to replicating what he does. Ask him to stop the minute he’s taken hold of himself and take a good look. Get him to remove his hand and put yours in what you think is the exact same position. Does he agree you’ve got it right?
What pressure, speed and rhythm he uses:
Put your hand over his once he gets going to get a better idea of the speed and rhythm. Once you’ve got the general idea, let him continue solo.
What alters from his first hand motion to orgasm:
Does he maintain the same technique or switch between several? Does he speed up on approach to orgasm? Use his free hand to stimulate any other areas like his testes or lower tummy?
What happens to his body on approach to orgasm:
You’ll probably notice his testes will rise toward his body, his penis will become purplish in colour and his breathing will alter. Also look for his ‘orgasm face’ – tell tale expressions he’s about to climax. Is his head thrown back? What noises is he making?
What happens when he stops stimulation:
Once you can see he’s crossed the line into ejaculatory inevitability (he’s about to orgasm no matter what), what happens next? When does he stop moving his hand? Does he remove it completely or hold onto his penis till the very end? How is he holding it?
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Where she places her fingers at the very start:
Does she use lubricant or saliva to make the area slippery? Does she go straight for the clitoris or touch other areas of her vulva or body first? What position is she in? What does she do with her spare hand? Does she stimulate her breasts?
What pressure, speed and rhythm she uses:
It’s fine for her to show you how she masturbates using her vibrator, but more helpful if she can repeat the process at some stage using just fingers. Look at the angle of her fingers, what part of the finger she’s using, how many, how she’s rubbing, how hard and how fast. Does she concentrate purely on her clitoris or alternate between this and inserting a finger/s inside? Does there appear to be an order? Put your hand over hers to feel as well as see exactly what’s happening. (If she’s shy, sit behind her and let her lean back against your chest, relaxing between your legs. Then put your hand over hers. Don’t stay in this position though! You need to move back in front of her to be able to observe properly. Get her to close her eyes if she finds this embarrassing.)
What alters from her first touch through to orgasm:
She may stick to the same technique on approach to orgasm – and it’s also quite likely it won’t alter at all throughout the whole session. Women tend to like predictability in orgasm and rather than craving variety with hand masturbation, and are often happiest if you do exactly the same thing each time. As always though, just because most women like something, doesn’t mean all do. Watch to see if she stops and starts or keeps moving her fingers continuously.
What are the telltale signs she’s approaching orgasm:
You’ll probably notice her clitoris will become more erect, the colour of her genitals will become redder and brighter, she’ll breathe differently and her nipples may harden. Lots of women tip their heads back and lots briefly develop a red rash on their upper chest. What are her personal signals?
When does she stop stimulation?
This is crucial: the most important part of the whole exercise actually! One of the most common mistakes men make when masturbating a women is stopping too soon. Our orgasms take much longer than yours, so you might be surprised (not to mention jealous) to see she keeps moving her fingers for much longer than you do when you do it to her. Note also the pressure and speed. Does she increase both then decrease significantly during orgasm? At what point does she withdraw her fingers completely?
Spanking the monkey. Adjusting the pink curtains. Jerkin' the gherkin. Slapping the oyster. Beef strokenoff. While we all love a good euphemism for masturbation, it's not something that most people talk about freely. This has given rise to a lot of misinformation, particularly when it comes to health. So is self-gratification good for you? Or do abstainers have the right idea?
Tracey Cox is one of the world’s foremost writers on sex and relationships. She has written several bestsellers, including Hot Sex: How to Do It and supersex, and has her own product range in partnership with Lovehoney.