Whether or not you’re interested in the services of a dominatrix, you have to acknowledge that it takes a lot of skill to control another person. Even if they’re asking for it.
Former dominatrix Kasia Urbaniak runs a class for professionals looking to get a bit bolder and bossier in the boardroom. Some people reach out to Urbaniak because they want to bring some of that dominatrix energy into their relationships, of course, but there are actually a few practical applications for her skills in all sorts of scenarios where taking control should be encouraged.
Here are some ways a dominatrix asserts their dominance, outside of the whips and chains.
Ask Questions Back
Is someone making you uncomfortable at work? Are they asking you personal questions? Well, first of all, report them to HR imediately. There are times when someone isn’t even being sexual, they’re just trying to throw you off with their interest in outside matters.
You can also use this strategy that Urbaniak shared with The Guardian for turning a conversation:
When a man asks a woman an uncomfortable question, ranging from “How old are you?” or “Do you like threesomes?” to “Would you like to go upstairs to have sex?”, the woman can change the power dynamic at play.
To do this, the woman could ask: “Why do you ask that question? Are you having a fantasy right now? What good would it do for you to know how old I am? Are you looking for a mother?”
Again, I prefer you report them to HR, but answering a question with another question can be a very effective tactic for getting an intrusive person to shut up.
Focus Attention Outward
It’s still easy to talk about ourselves, even when we don’t want to. It can also be a force of habit for many women who are socially conditioned to be polite or pliable.
Urbaniak told Business Insider that she has noticed women often ground what they say in their experiences, using a lot of “I” statements. This is diplomatic, but it puts you in the position of being submissive:
“If I’m talking about myself from my own experience, I’m pulling you into my experience, I’m the subject,” Urbaniak said. “I’m, in a way, like the submissive of a dominatrix session.”
She argues that paying attention to how another person’s feeling and operating is the “primary ingredient for great connection and leadership.”
If you were going to a job interview, as an example, you’d be better off talking about the company and what you think needs to be done there rather than your past experiences elsewhere.
Get Clear
One of Urbaniak’s classes is a “verbal self-defence” course that goes beyond the question-for-question concept. One way to get on top of someone (with words) is to never allow ambiguity:
She gives her students this example of how to counter a veiled proposition, like if someone says “I just want to get to know you better.”
She suggests countering that kind of veiled ambiguity by being ultra-clear:
“It seems like you are no longer interested in talking about business, and it seems like getting to know each other better may mean something different to me than it does to you. Is that true?”
I like this better! And it’s something that can be used in moments when someone isn’t necessarily being inappropriate, just annoyingly vague. Let’s cut the crap, folks.
Don’t Claim To Be Low Maintenance
Women often claim to be low maintenance to imply they’re easy-going and won’t ask for much, as though that’s a good thing.
In Urbianik’s opinion, they’re not actually low maintenance, they’re just making sacrifices on things they need, in the workplace or the home. And that just creates resentment, because you’ll never be rewarded for denying yourself something you actually need that no one knows about.
“It does not get rewarded because, actually, its not helping anyone,” she said.
Overall, the ability to be super sensitive to people’s needs can make for good leadership qualities, because you perceive how things work and where problems may be arising. You just need to be able to articulate and meet your own needs, as well. Make the world submit to you.
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