Family Christmas gatherings are certainly a time. Between crap presents, That One Uncle and passive aggressive comments from relatives who can’t even remember what they’re fighting about anymore — it can be taxing. And then there are the invasive relationship questions.
I get that it’s nice for people are showing interest, but sometimes you just don’t want them to. Nobody wants to be reminded that they’re not doing as well as Cousin Amanda or that their ovaries are shriveling up by the second. Here are some options on how to tackle the more likely questions — before and after you’ve had those lunch time drinks.
Choose wisely. The second options will almost certainly kick off a 20-year family rift. But hey, maybe that’s what you want.
When Are Going You Settle Down?
Polite — “I’m really focusing on [X] right now. As much as having a partner is nice, I have other goals I want to achieve. And in the end, wouldn’t you want me to find the right person rather than rushing into something with the wrong one?”
After A Few — “When you stop asking benign questions that imply that my self worth should be measured by the existence of another person.”
Whatever Happened To That Girl/Guy You Were Seeing Awhile Ago? We really liked them
Polite — “Sadly we just weren’t right for each other.”
After A Few — “You’re welcome to give them a call if you’re into emotional manipulation and water sports.”
When Are You Two Going To Finally Tie The Knot?
Polite — “To be honest, I’m just happy to have found the right person. Although we have talked about getting married, at the moment we’re just so happy to be together, and we know how much that happiness means to you all too.”
After A Few — “Unless you plan on bankrolling it, we thought we’d just move to Newtown to live in trendy sin with our future illegitimate children.”
Have You seen 50 Shades Of Grey? Your Father And I liked It
Polite — “I haven’t but I heard it brings a unique perspective to mainstream cinema.”
After A Few — “STOP IT, MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!”
Introducing Your Partner As your friend in same sex couples
Polite — This would depend entirely on your family. But if you’re not trying to hide your sexuality, be as bold as you feel comfortable. Whether that’s correcting the introduction outright or simply easing in with some PD — just do you.
After A Few — “Yeah we’re friends in that same way that Uncle Jeffrey is friends with the gentlemen he secretly meets on Oxford Street every few months.”
When Are You Going To Buy A House?
Polite — “Considering the market at the moment, I really don’t want to rush it. I keep an eye on places on the suburbs I like and I’m saving to get the right place down the track.”
After A Few — “Well considering that it isn’t 1983 and my boss just shelled out $1.7M for a 2 bedroom rats nest in the Inner West, probably never. But god damn if my avocado toast didn’t taste delicious this morning.”
When Are You Going To Give Me Grand Kids?
Polite — “We really want to make sure that we are stable at work and financially first. We want them to come into the very best environment.”
After A Few — “I don’t know, mum. But practicing sure is fun. Have you ever heard of The Tool Shed?”
Have You Tried That Tinder Thing Yet?
Polite — “It isn’t really my kind of thing.”
After A Few — “I deleted the app after a self professed DJ from Darlinghurst was messaging me and my best mate at the same time about how he got off on being humiliated by geeky Dom types”
Lovehacker is a weekly relationship and sex column where our resident Agony Aunt answers your questions. Need help? Drop a comment below or email [email protected].