What To Say To A Bride-To-Be Who’s Marrying An Arsehole

You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated – in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.

[referenced url=”https://www.lifehacker.com.au/2017/10/why-you-shouldnt-take-your-crappy-roommate-to-small-claims-court/” thumb=”https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/t_ku-large/qk7vazgtdn4nslyybsox.jpg” title=”Why You Shouldn’t Take Your Crappy Roommate To Small Claims Court” excerpt=”You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated – in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.”]

This week we have a man who thinks his friend is making a mistake by marrying a jerk. Oh, and he’s officiating the wedding.

Keep in mind, I’m not a therapist or any other kind of health professional – just a guy who’s willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives. If for whatever reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here. Now then, let’s get on with it.

Hey Patrick,

My best friend got engaged in late July, and at the time I was overjoyed for her! I hadn’t really met her fiance yet, but still, my best friend was getting married and she seemed ecstatic about it so I was very supportive. Last month they asked me to officiate their wedding, and I agreed. Since agreeing, however, I have learned some interesting things about him, and have had some interesting interactions as well.

Firstly, I learned that her fiance has essentially gone to war with her parents over the wedding. He wants to have final word on every aspect of the wedding, even though her parents are paying for pretty much everything. He’s demanding a November date for the wedding, despite the increased costs for such short notice.

Additionally, mutual friends have been regaling me with stories of this man’s general terribleness. The maid of honour told me that when she was supposed to meet him, he was two hours late to the lunch because he had “just gotten up”, and she didn’t actually meet him until a party over a month later, where he was unapologetic about the whole thing. Another time a friend mentioned a traumatic childhood experience, and he proceeded to spend the rest of the night telling her that it was a stupid thing to be traumatised by, making jokes at her expense. The first group chat set up for the wedding fell apart when he made a gay joke and one of the bridesmaids (who is a lesbian) asked him to not make those jokes, but he proceeded to spend the next two hours berating her and calling other group members names because “nobody tells me what to do”.

Everything that this guy has done has told me, loudly and repeatedly, that he is not the right person for my friend. Despite this, she genuinely loves him and – at the moment at least – wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Still, several of our mutual friends have expressed that they will not go to events where he will be attending, or that they will not be inviting her to things in an attempt to avoid him coming along.

With this in mind, I feel that I should still officiate the wedding, but I’m worried about how my friend will handle being isolated from many of her friends as a result of this marriage. What I’m wondering is this: What can I do, right now and in the future, to help my friend through what will be an extremely difficult first marriage?

Thank you,

Seen This Before

Hey Seen This Before,

Demands? No respect for other people’s time? Gay jokes that probably weren’t even a little bit funny? Woof, this guy seems like a real dirt bag (that “nobody tells me what to do” really drives it home). But here’s the thing: Everything you’re telling me about this guy is from your or your mutual friends’ perspectives. Not once did you mention how she feels about this guy’s actions. The fact she hasn’t been complaining, or felt uneasy, or confessed doubt leads me to believe that she’s relatively happy with the situation in spite of all those seemingly glaring issues. Who knows? Maybe she’s kind of a dirt bag too and she’s into it. You said she’s “ecstatic” about it, so that’s that. You go on officiating and being her friend as best you can.

But you’re worried about her looming isolation – I get that. In that case, if she doesn’t know how you and the rest of your friends feel about this guy, you should tell her (when you do it I’ll leave to your discretion). Not because your wants matter when it comes to their marriage, but because you all plan to basically excommunicate her. You have the right not be around a shitty person that will make you unhappy – I would refuse to hang out with this jackwagon too – but she has the right to know that stuff going in. Don’t ghost on her and make her wonder why all her friends seemed to disappear the moment she got married. That will make her feel worse in the long run – like she did something wrong – and it will make her cling tighter to this punk because she’ll feel like that’s all she has left.

Keep in mind, though, telling her all this the wrong way could backfire. She could get upset at you for trying to ruin something she might still see as perfect. Or she might feel like she has to choose sides – then choose his. Be delicate when you bring it up and keep the focus on your feelings, not your opinions of this guy. Don’t tell her what an arsehole he is! Mention something like how you don’t feel comfortable around him, that you’re different people, and that you don’t really get along. Tell her you’re happy for her, but you would love to lock down some quality time with just her if possible, like the good ol’ days.

In terms of what you can do for her now and in the future: Let her know that you’ll always be her friend, and that you’ll always be there for her no matter what happens. Those last few words are important. Whether she gets her happily ever after or not, make sure she knows that she can always count on you. The rest she has to figure out for herself.

That’s it for this week. I probably didn’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. ‘Til next time, figure things out for yourself.