I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a safe 102% of the readers of this site are fans of both cars and a vast and disgusting variety of sexual acts. And that's great. My stand on cars is well established (quite pro) and when it comes to sex, I can't think of a more enjoyable way to get the maximum genetic diversity to my offspring. Plus, it gives my genitals something to do other than pee all the time, which any old stupid catheter could do, and probably better.
Plus, with many folks temporarily relocated to family members' houses this time of year, the idea of sex in a car may be sounding more appealing than usual. So, with that in mind, we decided a practical, honest, and useful Jalopnik Sex In Cars Guide was just what everyone needs.
Now, I should issue a quick disclaimer here, I think: I'm not claiming to be any kind of sex expert or anything like that. At all. Really, I can give you ex-girlfriends' emails who'll back that up. And, while I guess we're sort of advocating having sex, don't be stupid or an arsehole or anything like that. This guide is for around two consenting adults of any gender, gender identity, combination of genders, identities, genitals, orifices, what have you. Everyone's welcome. While my sex-in-cars experience has been as a (close enough) man with women, all the guidance here should work for whatever you've convinced, somehow, to do these things with you. So have at it.
Now, as far as why I'm qualified to write this guide, I think some justification is in order. First, I do the graphics and diagrams, so the other Jalops handed this one to me for that reason. Second, like I suspect nearly everyone reading this, I've had sex in cars. And, not just cars, but a reasonable variety of cars ranging from Volvo 240s to Buick Skylarks to that greatest of challenges, original VW Beetles. I mention this only to convince you that I'm not just pulling this out of my arse, like a certain sock I could mention after one time in a Beetle.
So let's get started, already.
1. Why have sex in a car?
A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Interestingly, my research has found that there are only two valid reasons to have sex in a car:
It sounds fun to everyone involved and You just don't have any other choice.
That's it. There are no other reasons. If you don't meet one or both of these requirements, don't have sex in a car. Go fuck on a bed or a couch or a verdant field or a trampoline or something. And these conditions have to be met to the letter: for the first one, both (or more if you're ambitious and have a suitable vehicle) have to be absolutely down with the idea, and for the second one, it has to be the only reasonable option. And, if you're that magical combination of a cheater who's too cheap to pay for a room, this may be a good point to really reconsider what you're doing.
The first reason can happen in a lot of different ways — you both just can't wait, the change of scenery and environment seems exciting, you really love your car, whatever. It just means it only works if everyone wants it, and the actual reasons why don't really matter. The second reason may actually be the more likely motivator, as for many people, their car isn't just a means of transport, it's the only really personal space you have. Cars are unique that way, among all the non-dwelling things we own. It's one of the only things we have that's both an object and a location. Nothing else really comes close. Sure, you could, technically, spend time inside your washing machine or refrigerator, but we all know it's not the same. And you sure as hell can't get it on in the dryer.
Cars are important personal spaces, and I'm sure people have been fucking in them since they were still horse-drawn carriages. It's our nature. Give people a small, intimate space with any cushioned surface inside and as soon as possible we'll try to figure out how to get it on in there.
Cars are unusual in that they exist in a sort of grey area with regard to their status as public or private space. A car itself, out on public roads, is most certainly in public space. But what about the interior of a car? When inside your car, are you actually in a private space? It usually feels like it, but the law treats the inside of your car as a public space. So, when you have sex in your car, you're technically having sex in public.
Bu there's a big difference between what you're "technically" doing and what is actually happening, both sexually and otherwise. As long as you're not in a convertible, you can reasonably treat your car as a private space. But you have to take some precautions:
• Park somewhere as secluded as possible. I don't care if you think it's exciting to throw down while illegally parked across lanes of traffic in Times Square, it's just going to make trouble for everyone. Remember, your goal should be the sex in the car, not complicating the day for hundreds or thousands of people you never met. So park somewhere out of the way.
• Cover the windows. Chances are good that you and your partner's interest in car-coitus happened suddenly, so you likely don't have a lot of good privacy equipment handy. Tinted windows help, but those are illegal in a number of states. So, you improvise. If you're in a car with one of those goofy cardboard windshield shades with the giant sunglasses on one side and the CALL POLICE message on the other, put it up. Sunglass side out, ideally. And, be thankful your partner only saw you had that in your car at this point when it's useful or its unlikely they'd be there at all.
Next, since you won't be needing all those clothes, use them as ersatz shades. Secure one end of some pants in the top of the side window or doorjamb like curtains. Use the coat hangers that are usually on the B pillar to hang shirts and dresses or what have you. Take some time to do this well as it will help you relax and be uninhibited when things get going.
• Steam This is a double-edged sword. If you sit and do anything in a closed car the windows will steam up. Do your taxes, play Game Boy Tetris, masturbate, whatever, the truth is your breath is always hot and wet and will fog those windows up. For car sex, this adds a nice steam-room effect that helps a great deal with privacy, but it also immediately telegraphs to everyone who sees the car that there are Goings On inside. It shouts the idea but whispers the details.
3. The Cops
I guess because of that public/private thing, having sex in a car is generally considered illegal to some degree. I've had cops interruptus my coitus in cars a number of times, and it's always the same procedure: they knock on the windows, you and your partner panic and scramble to pull on enough clothes to be decent (often with lots of pubes in zippers and watches and jewellery finding their ways inside intimate openings) and you both exit the car. At that point, they always separated me from my partner, and they always asked her if she "wanted to be there."
Since I'm no rapist, they always answered "yes" and then always got the most withering looks of dismay and disbelief from the cops as they looked between me and my partner.
"Really?" their eyes would ask, as they shook their heads slowly, marveling at the idiocy of youth.
What the cops are doing, even though it amounts to the most formalized and total cock-blocking known to man, is actually a good thing. They're making sure everyone seems capable of making reasonable decisions and that everyone's there consensually. I've never been ticketed or even treated badly in these situations. Cops are people, and they get it. The last time this happened my wife (then girlfriend) and I just decided what the hell less than a mile from our house. The cops were actually laughing and apologetic, saying that someone called it in (who? Why were they paying that much attention? ) and they just told us to move it to the bedroom.
So, the upshot: if you're caught, be cool and don't fight it. Just go somewhere else, or take it as a hint to wait a bit for a better opportunity. Also, if you're going to have sex in a car, make sure you're not too drunk to be driving and, of course, be damn sure everyone's into it.
4. The Logistics and Mechanics
OK, so now that you've, incredibly, found someone willing to do this with you, you've located a suitable quiet side street or parking lot, and you're very eager to get started, already. What now?
• Clean up. In whatever part of your car you're going to make this happen, try and get things as clean as you can. We'll cover where this will happen next, but no matter what, try and have a stuff-free surface. I once had to extract a good inch of pin from one of my buttocks because of sloppiness in this step. And nobody wants a back covered in crumbs and change. Unless your personal fantasy is to fuck a taxi's carpet, of course.
Now, let's cover the most common vehicle types, and their options:
Fornication Location Class 1: Mid-to-Full-Size Sedans/Coupes (with at least a bench rear seat)
These are very common, and the answer is fairly easy: get in the back. A bench rear seat allows for the largest variety of options, and most of the major humanly-achievable sexual positions are available.
Pros: Relatively easy, common Cons: Limited headroom limits some options
Fornication Location Class 2: Compact to Sub-Compact 4-Seater cars (with at least one bench seat)
Also a very common option, these cars work similarly to the mid-to-full sedans, but the much more restricted space brings up new challenges. The optimal location is the back seat, but unlike full-sized sedans, you really need to move the front seats as far forward as possible, and likely fold the front backrests forward as well (for 2-door cars that allow this for rear-seat entry).
Also, on little cars, you'll make much greater use of grab handles and straps. For example, on vintage Beetles and many other cars, there are these passenger assist straps that look sort of like gynecological foot straps. Which should give an idea of how handy they can be. Use them to help manoeuvre, support your weight, etc. Almost all cars have at least some of these, usually above the side windows, so make sure to employ them.
Pros: Easy to find secluded parking, very intimate. Ability to brace against car body may offer interesting options. Cons: Pretty cramped in there. High probability of sprains and car parts getting in on the fun.
Fornication Location Class 3: Wagons, hearses, wagon-based delivery vehicles
Easy! Fold down the back seat, and you've got essentially a bed! Some blankets can be great if you happen to have some, but they're not essential. There's restricted headroom, so keep that in mind — most positions will by necessity tend to be more horizontal.
Pros: Easy, comfortable Cons: It's probably your mum's wagon.
Fornication Location Class 4: Vans (even minivans), enclosed trucks
Are you kidding? You barely have to plan anything. I've had friends in Sydney apartments with less room for fucking than you'd have in almost any van. Pretty much everything works here that doesn't require special large apparatuses or heavy equipment. Have fun.
Pros: It's basically a sex-room on wheels. Why do you think these were so popular in the '70s? Cons: Pedos know this as well.
Fornication Location Class 5: Two-seater enclosed cars, or larger cars without bench seating anywhere
Things get trickier here. some cars don't have rear benches, exactly, but a pile of clothes or something can cover the non-seat middle and make it close enough — the Porsche Panamera is an example of this. But some just won't work this way — there's only bucket seats available. In these cases. you'll need to limit your positioning to combinations that allow two of you in one seat, or permit one partner to bridge the non-seat area. Be wary of parking brake levers and gearshifts! Those things can hurt.
Pros: These cars usually often can make people want to have sex with you in the first place. Cons: It's really, really tight in there. You could end up Siamese'd.
Fornication Location Class 6: Convertibles, Roadsters, And Other Open Vehicles (including open-bed pickup trucks)
With these, the issue becomes more about where you're parking than where in the car you're playing. A closed car can at least pretend to be a private space — an open Miata, though, would be like having sex in a horse trough. Not private at all.
So, for these cars, the physical options are greater, since headroom is infinite, and you can use rollbars and windshield frames, etc to help support things. You're more having sex on the car than in it with these, and while that can work, be wary of hot and/or cold metal surfaces on tender bare skin.
Pickup trucks fit in this category because the logistics are more based on overall location as well — that open bed gives you as much flexibility as a van, but with zero privacy. Also, blankets are probably a good idea for a truck bed, which will likely be hot or cold, and often filled with uncomfortable ridges. And probably leaves, beer cans, screws, nails, sawblades, angry raccoons, etc.
Pros: In the right environment, this can be incredible. Cons: Having "F-150" burned backwards on your arse.
The etiquette rules aren't too dissimilar from any consensual sexual encounter, but there are a few special considerations:
• Help each other find clothes afterwards. A dark, steamy car isn't the easiest place to find anything in, and chances are good you and your partner's clothes weren't nicely folded and placed on the package shelf. So be a gentlewhatever and help feel around for clothes — don't just grab your own hot pants and tube top and get dressed on your own — help out.
• If it's your car, accept the possibility of fluids in your car beforehand. Look, if you're having sex in your car, you need to accept there's a very good chance that some manner of human-produced liquids will end up on your upholstery or headliner or carpet. That's just part of the game. So don't get all crazy if you find emissions on your rich, Corinthian leather or luxuriant crushed velour. That's part of the game, and if it's going to upset you, you probably shouldn't fuck in your car. Under no circumstances are you to get angry at your partner for fluids that occur as a normal part of sex.
If they pee in your open window afterwards, that's another issue.
• The car's owner needs to drive the partner to an agreed-upon location. It can be back home, the next rest stop, to a shared home, to their car, whatever, but no ditching your sex partner afterwards. That's just rude.
I hope this has proved useful. What'd I leave out? Tell me in the comments. Even better, tell us all your secret and embarrassing car-sex stories in there. That will make the time stuck at your mum's house really fly by. Oh. and speaking of mums, I really hope mine doesn't read this.
This story originally appeared on Jalopnik.