This Is Melbourne

This Is Melbourne
Facebook may have decided that you shouldn’t see the news, but we think you deserve to be in the know with Lifehacker Australia’s content. To sign up for our daily newsletter covering the latest news, hacks and reviews, head HERE. For a running feed of all our stories, follow us on Twitter HERE. Or you can bookmark the Lifehacker Australia homepage to visit whenever you need a fix.

If you were to explain the concept of “Melbourne” to an ancient alien civilisation visiting Earth, this is exactly where you would start.

This is the image.

Over the weekend, the Melbourne Demons played the St. Kilda Saints in a decisive Australian Rules Football match that potentially could make or break both teams aspirations for glory this year.

It was a BIG GAME.

A HUGE GAME! Oh boy, wowee, this was going to be MASSIVE.

In fact, it was one of the biggest in recent memory for both of these clubs. The Saints haven’t been in the finals since 2011 and Melbourne haven’t finished inside the top 8 since before the iPhone existed, in 2006. A win in this game would go a long way to securing a place in the finals so you’d think that the fans would be fixated on the game, or leaning over the barricade shouting obscenities.

At the very least, wouldn’t they be giving the umpire the finger like any die-hard?

Not at this game.

This bucket-hat-wearing Melbourne fan brought an entire cheese platter complete with avocado, salmon, cured meats – hell, I think I can see olives there too? – and of course, Fromager d’Affinois Bleu, a luscious brie-like cheese and the dairy product of choice for Melburnians, as far as I know.

You know what though, I kind of get it. As an Adelaide Crows fan, we’ve been taking chardonnay and apricot slices to the footy since 1991. Plus, the expensive bin scraps that get offered up as food at the footy aren’t the most appealing but hey! It’s an Australian tradition to smash a meat pie or some heavily-salted hot chips at every major break, not some meats off your charcuterie board! And how did he get a butter knife through security? Is this something that Melbourne security services let slide – you can bring a knife in as long as it’s for your plate of cured meat?

I can’t abide by this kind of nonsense.

I mean, avocado? Salmon?

This is Melbourne 101.

This is so prototypically Melbourne that I almost think it was set up.

Oh yeah, and while some fans were tucking into a salmon baguette, the Demons ended up notching a 24 point victory and getting one step closer to playing finals. But that doesn’t matter because this bloke has his own cheese platter at the footy.


  • The big story here isn’t that a Melbourne supporter had a gourmet spread for lunch. The big news is there was a Melbourne supporter in Melbourne on a weekend during the ski season. They’re usually off in their Range Rovers on the piste.

    • Anthony, after the Dees won, there were plenty of their supporters out on the piste, all night – let me tell you.

  • Impressive food plate aside, no one has commented on the hat being deliberately inside out, to enhance the “cooler than thou” attitude…..

  • You’ve never been to England have you? This is fairly normal at Wimbledon or Lord’s judging by my time there.

  • Melbourne……I suspect a Bogan doing a burnout in a ute while under the influence or youths with weapons in hand invading someones home while on crack is rapidly becoming the true picture of Melbourne.

  • Is the sideways bird kind of a half-and-half? It’s both a bird and a thumbs up at the same time?

    Or just Port fans being bogans as usual…

  • I can accurately map out every detail of your background and character based on which group of men you like to see win football games.

  • I actually know these fellas. Both very tongue in cheek characters who are HUGE Dees fans.

    Good on them

    • Mate, I actually love that he has a cheese platter. The alternate headline for this was “Absolute Legend Brings Cheese Platter To The Footy”

Show more comments

Comments are closed.

Log in to comment on this story!